Marital Conflict Survivor Gifts

"Honey, I just spent all our real money buying pretend-money." "Siri, search divorce lawyers in my area."

"...until death do you a favor."

Pony express. Pony express yourself. Pony express yourself so much he left.

"Helen, I have decided to seek a change of venue, since it has grown increasingly obvious that I can no longer get a fair trial in this household."

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

'I'll never forget you, Vince -- My therapist says it would be counterproductive to try.'

',,,But if I do eat them I'll lose my child support, Oh, Alice,divorce is so hard,'

"I got over DDT, and I'll get over you!"

Ereptile Dysfunction

"I liked it better when we just had your people call my people."

"It's over between us, Kevin, I've met a most wonderful cod!"

"You keep everything bottled up inside."

Lady Justice Balances A Marriage Quarrel

"Being married to her was the most miserable experience of my life, but I was able to develop a sitcom out of it."

'These anti-depressants aren't for swallowing, sir, they're for throwing at your ex-wife.'

Your Dinner Is In The Trout Stream

'What are you doing trying to tempt me?? I told you I was through with you!!'

"O.K., class, next we'll pound out the dough until that ungrateful, self-centered son of a bitch realizes he's not the center of the world, and maybe, just maybe, he doesn't deserve an attractive, well-educated woman with a wonderful sense of humor."

'When I said we should see other people, I didn't mean starting tonight.'

"I've been getting the most intense workouts since I taped a picture of my ex on the heavy bag!"

"Can't you just say 'bippity boppity boo' and make all these messy divorce negotiations turn into pumpkins or something?"

"On a personal note, my wife, Ann, and I have agreed to separate, as I've fallen in love with the sound of my own voice."

'Don't look now but it's that guy from Pennsylvania that you dumped,'

"If you want a positive outlook, you're going to have to turn you chair around."

"Well. Firstly, I can't take the case because I'm not a divorce lawyer and secondly, I'm your husband."

"Recently separated."

"Now take my life-partner...please...take my life-partner!!"

"Sorry. No refunds."

'My advice? Dump him! There are plenty more fish in the sea...'

"If you ask me, we're better off without her."

"Every time there was a rift in our relationship, we got a cat."

"Poor guy..he just got a 'Dear John' fax!"

'I'm sorry Sandy, but it'll never work out. We're just Poles apart.'

"You've come to the right lawyer. I not only do divorces, I also specialise in bankruptcy proceedings."

'Maybe your wife doesn't understand you, because you don't make any sense!'