Marital Conflicts Gifts

'I've found out that my wife's lying to me. Every evening she says she's leaving me but in the morning she's still there!'

'What? You ate the gateau instead of throwing it into my face?? You insensitive, egotistical brute! You don't love me anymore!'

'We never go anywhere together except here.'

"Helen, I have decided to seek a change of venue, since it has grown increasingly obvious that I can no longer get a fair trial in this household."

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

'This marriage is turning into a complete farce.'

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

He leaves, but soon realizes his roots run too deep.

"He doesn't fiscally stimulate me anymore."

'I told my wife she had to choose between me and that precious boat of her's. She called my bluff. Can I sleep on your couch?'

'I want to start by having you take separate staycations.'

"This merger is not producing the expected synergies."

"No, no - that's not the company sales, that's my marriage."

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR, 'Our biological clocks are in different time zones.'

"We're only staying together for the sake of our marriage guidance counsellor."

"You'll hear from my lawyer."

'Will I still be married?'

'The wife says if I don't give up snooker, she's leaving me. . .I'm going to miss her.'

"I liked it better when we just had your people call my people."

Pastor to couple: 'It is more blessed to forgive than to receive.'

Diplomacy

'I get the feeling lately that some of the magic has gone out of our relationship.'

"We both need to get away and unsidewind awhile."

'As your solicitor I must ask you to consider divorce an option of last resort. We could mount a drone strike against your husband at a fraction of the cost.'

"When did you first notice your wife was missing?"

"We were so happy doc. . . but then she changed!"

"You keep everything bottled up inside."

'He's not the man I married. In fact, none of them are.'

"I'm used to him finishing my sentences, but now he starts them, too."

Lady Justice Balances A Marriage Quarrel

'Mr. Rock and Mrs. Hardplace are here, sir.'

'I'm sorry, but I just can't handle you being out at sea for so long.'

"I'm afraid, we may have to keep your wife in for a few days."