Marriage Disputes Gifts

'My husband is a very large, loud and obnoxious man. OK, sure, I tried to hire a hit man. But just to hit him.'

Their marriage in jeopardy, Strawberry Shortcake and Billy Bob Banana Bread seek therapy.

"What's going on Jen? Why didn't you respond to my kissing emoji?"

'What? You ate the gateau instead of throwing it into my face?? You insensitive, egotistical brute! You don't love me anymore!'

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

'This marriage is turning into a complete farce.'

"Are you crazy? I can’t tell her that!"

He leaves, but soon realizes his roots run too deep.

'I want to start by having you take separate staycations.'

Wanna talk about it?

"This merger is not producing the expected synergies."

"No, no - that's not the company sales, that's my marriage."

"You'll hear from my lawyer."

'The wife says if I don't give up snooker, she's leaving me. . .I'm going to miss her.'

"Oh c'mon, Phil. Everyone knows we only stay together for the giant tortoise."

"When did you first notice your wife was missing?"

"I liked it better when we just had your people call my people."

"You say that I love the Liverpool football team more than I love you?...."

Diplomacy

'As your solicitor I must ask you to consider divorce an option of last resort. We could mount a drone strike against your husband at a fraction of the cost.'

"You keep everything bottled up inside."

Pastor to couple: 'It is more blessed to forgive than to receive.'

"We both need to get away and unsidewind awhile."

Is this Randy the Love Doctor? Speaking. What ails you, sister? People were right: Now that gay people in all 50 states can marry, it's destroyed marriage altogether. My husband Larry just left me and moved in with Earl the plumber. First of all, ma'am, I'm pretty sure you have no idea how these things work. The supreme court gave Larry the gay. How do I undo the gay?

'You're docile enough alright, but I don't like how you grind your teeth while you sleep!'

"I'm used to him finishing my sentences, but now he starts them, too."

Lady Justice Balances A Marriage Quarrel

"Marriage and water, I find, don't mix."

'She says she's never had an affair with David Beckham and she expects me to believe that!'

'The only reason she keeps me is to rub out her bed wrinkles.'

'I'm sorry, but I just can't handle you being out at sea for so long.'

'Mr. Rock and Mrs. Hardplace are here, sir.'

"...and what has my culinary genius conjured up to delight my taste buds tonight?"

"I'm afraid, we may have to keep your wife in for a few days."