Marital Argument Gifts

'We need to talk.'

"What's going on Jen? Why didn't you respond to my kissing emoji?"

'What? You ate the gateau instead of throwing it into my face?? You insensitive, egotistical brute! You don't love me anymore!'

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

He leaves, but soon realizes his roots run too deep.

'I want to start by having you take separate staycations.'

Wanna talk about it?

"This merger is not producing the expected synergies."

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR, 'Our biological clocks are in different time zones.'

"You'll hear from my lawyer."

'The wife says if I don't give up snooker, she's leaving me. . .I'm going to miss her.'

Pastor to couple: 'It is more blessed to forgive than to receive.'

'I get the feeling lately that some of the magic has gone out of our relationship.'

Is this Randy the Love Doctor? Speaking. What ails you, sister? People were right: Now that gay people in all 50 states can marry, it's destroyed marriage altogether. My husband Larry just left me and moved in with Earl the plumber. First of all, ma'am, I'm pretty sure you have no idea how these things work. The supreme court gave Larry the gay. How do I undo the gay?

'As your solicitor I must ask you to consider divorce an option of last resort. We could mount a drone strike against your husband at a fraction of the cost.'

"When did you first notice your wife was missing?"

"We both need to get away and unsidewind awhile."

Diplomacy

'You're docile enough alright, but I don't like how you grind your teeth while you sleep!'

"I liked it better when we just had your people call my people."

"You say that I love the Liverpool football team more than I love you?...."

Lady Justice Balances A Marriage Quarrel

"I'm used to him finishing my sentences, but now he starts them, too."

"I'm afraid, we may have to keep your wife in for a few days."

'The only reason she keeps me is to rub out her bed wrinkles.'

Ask Sadie. Dear Sadie, Do you agree with Rudy Giuliani? He said the president doesn't love America, because he's always apologizing for it and finding fault with it. Thoughts? *Actual reader question. Sounds EXACTLY like love to me. My husband would disagree, but don't mind him, he's just a quarrelsome know-it-all. Ask Sadie at asksadie@rudypark.com.

"Is it a 'personal attack' if I can prove he’s an idiot?"

'She says she's never had an affair with David Beckham and she expects me to believe that!'

'Oh it is nice to get away from it all.'

"Doc, she and I just don't understand each other any more...it's like we have different operating systems!"

"...and what has my culinary genius conjured up to delight my taste buds tonight?"

'I'm sorry, but I just can't handle you being out at sea for so long.'

'Mr. Rock and Mrs. Hardplace are here, sir.'

"It's not jsut that he walks upright and uses complex tools. He also makes me laugh."