Marital Discussion Gifts

A woman reads "Men's Fault" magazine.

'...I really wish you would of told me you wanted to be a ballerina before we got married.'

"In my life, I've had seven cars, six jobs, five houses, four bypass operations, and three wives!"

"What's going on Jen? Why didn't you respond to my kissing emoji?"

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

Wanna talk about it?

"This merger is not producing the expected synergies."

"Can I call you back, I'm engaged in crisis talks."

'As your solicitor I must ask you to consider divorce an option of last resort. We could mount a drone strike against your husband at a fraction of the cost.'

"I'm used to him finishing my sentences, but now he starts them, too."

'The only reason she keeps me is to rub out her bed wrinkles.'

'We need to talk.'

"I'm afraid, we may have to keep your wife in for a few days."

"Doc, she and I just don't understand each other any more...it's like we have different operating systems!"

'My husband is a very large, loud and obnoxious man. OK, sure, I tried to hire a hit man. But just to hit him.'

'I understand your reluctance to speak but your marriage is in a rut and your wife needs your input.'

"Lately she refers to me as her 'insignificant other'."

As an experienced counsellor, she could see that their relationship had been doomed from the start.

'We have separate bedrooms because I snore and because I can't stand the sight of her.'

"Donald switched off in 1985 and i never bothered to switch him on again."

'I'm leaving you for someone who ignores me to watch Wimbledon!'

Lawyer, couple in bed - 'Natalie, remember my mother said we shouldn't go to sleep without settling things...'

'Don't blame the King, Ma'am. This was all his divorce lawyer's idea.'

'If she's that upset about the football match we're playing in this afternoon, what's she going to be like when she hears about the darts match this evening?'

"Well, Martha, I certainly hope your Scrabble victories keep you warm at night!"

'45 and never been divorced? What's wrong with him?'

'My wife wanted a dog and I wanted a cat... In the end we got a lawyer!'

"Susan!...are you trying to tell me we have an interface problem?"

"I don't think we're going to be able to agree on a pizza topping that will solve all of our problems."

Man to Marriage Counselor: 'All I'm asking for is a little respect.'

'Hello, Mr. Harris?... This is the private eye you hired to follow your wife. I'm afraid you were right, she is sleeping with another man.'

What do you mean we don't communicate? Didn't you see the Post It note I left for you on the refrigerator yesterday

"This has always been your answer to everything, hasn't it !"

"Go on, pick a card - I'm trying to put some magic back into our marriage."