Marital Debater Gifts

"What on earth makes you think giving up golf would be one of my new year's resolutions?"

'It's Fred, he wants to know if you want to go fishing Saturday. The day of our wedding anniversary.'

Ask Sadie. Dear Sadie, Do you agree with Rudy Giuliani? He said the president doesn't love America, because he's always apologizing for it and finding fault with it. Thoughts? *Actual reader question. Sounds EXACTLY like love to me. My husband would disagree, but don't mind him, he's just a quarrelsome know-it-all. Ask Sadie at asksadie@rudypark.com.

"Next time you give me anniversary flowers go out and buy them!"

"if this is a bad time for you I can go back to the pub for a couple of hours."

"I really miss being in a committed relationship, Randy." "Which part do you miss most?" "Having someone disagree with you over what you're going to eat, or over what TV shows you're going to watch? Or do you miss having to account for how you spend your time? Or having to explain why you bought yourself something awesome without first getting permission?" "Mostly I miss the back rubs. They don't ask you to wash the dishes first at massage parlors."

Always Compatible

'If you start granting amnesty for people for following their conscience, pretty soon everyone will be following his conscience.'

Darn it, you're touching my half of the loveseat again. (Published originally on Feb. 20, 2008.)

'I've spent a fortune wining and dining you today Julie and now you tell me you love Picasso!'

'I can lash out at you, unlike with other girls.'

It's not always a good idea for two contrarians like you to be together. You hear that, you old battle-axe? Yeah, I hear that, you old coot. That'll be $150.

I can have any woman I please - trouble is, these days they're almost impossible to please.

'oh...You're home, just when my spirits were rising.'

Marriage & Divorce.

'...and when I did finally take out the trash, she locked the door behind me.'

'We need to talk.'

"Will you be passing a mailbox?"

'My wife was psychic and divorced me over an affair I hadn't had yet.'

'So is this your lazy days of summer, or are we still working on spring?'

"I can try, but I've never had a marriage overturned on appeal."

Holding the moral high ground

Research indicates seven deadly sins are treatable with drugs,

'I didn't even know she was angry until she started shooting.'

'We are no longer called criminals! We're called 'Legally Disadvantaged'.'

'...I really wish you would of told me you wanted to be a ballerina before we got married.'

"Well...this constant badness is just sooo wearisome...."

"Did you say something? I thought I heard a sound bite."

"Even Voldemort wouldn't drown a whole planet."

Attorney General John Ashcroft

'I know the difference between right and wrong, but it hasn't held me back.'

Cuz I Was Scared

'Shall I fry it or flush it?'

"Why do you always side with him?!"

"I was being myself like you advised. That's when she dumped me!"