Marital Debater Pillows

'It's Fred, he wants to know if you want to go fishing Saturday. The day of our wedding anniversary.'

"Next time you give me anniversary flowers go out and buy them!"

"if this is a bad time for you I can go back to the pub for a couple of hours."

"I really miss being in a committed relationship, Randy." "Which part do you miss most?" "Having someone disagree with you over what you're going to eat, or over what TV shows you're going to watch? Or do you miss having to account for how you spend your time? Or having to explain why you bought yourself something awesome without first getting permission?" "Mostly I miss the back rubs. They don't ask you to wash the dishes first at massage parlors."

Always Compatible

'If you start granting amnesty for people for following their conscience, pretty soon everyone will be following his conscience.'

I can have any woman I please - trouble is, these days they're almost impossible to please.

'I can lash out at you, unlike with other girls.'

'I've spent a fortune wining and dining you today Julie and now you tell me you love Picasso!'

'oh...You're home, just when my spirits were rising.'

'So is this your lazy days of summer, or are we still working on spring?'

'...and when I did finally take out the trash, she locked the door behind me.'

"I can try, but I've never had a marriage overturned on appeal."

'We need to talk.'

'My wife was psychic and divorced me over an affair I hadn't had yet.'

"Will you be passing a mailbox?"

Marriage & Divorce.

Holding the moral high ground

Research indicates seven deadly sins are treatable with drugs,

'We are no longer called criminals! We're called 'Legally Disadvantaged'.'

'I didn't even know she was angry until she started shooting.'

'...I really wish you would of told me you wanted to be a ballerina before we got married.'

Attorney General John Ashcroft

"Did you say something? I thought I heard a sound bite."

"Well...this constant badness is just sooo wearisome...."

"Even Voldemort wouldn't drown a whole planet."

'I know the difference between right and wrong, but it hasn't held me back.'

'Shall I fry it or flush it?'

"Have we got time for a quick argument before our programme starts..?"

"It seems your polls have slumped ever since that issue with the washing up."

"Oh, that's just the first draft of some divorce papers I was messing around with."

"I was being myself like you advised. That's when she dumped me!"

"Why do you always side with him?!"

'You won't be able to afford a top lawyer like me for very long. But, maybe just long enough to give your wife one heck of a scare.'

'Don't worry about doing the right thing. There'll be plenty of time for that when you're fired, retired, or reincarnated.'