Marital Discord Gifts

"My funny valentine is no longer funny ha-ha."

'There's too much Mahler in our marriage. We need some Mozart!'

"May I assume you want separate checks?"

'And this is for couples who, whilst not actively seeking divorce, have agreed to keep apart by two chevrons.'

'This is just a temporary arrangement. My husband and I are currently having a disagreement.'

'What? You ate the gateau instead of throwing it into my face?? You insensitive, egotistical brute! You don't love me anymore!'

"You say that I love the Liverpool football team more than I love you?...."

"You're always too busy nowadays."

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

"Helen, I have decided to seek a change of venue, since it has grown increasingly obvious that I can no longer get a fair trial in this household."

'This marriage is turning into a complete farce.'

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

He leaves, but soon realizes his roots run too deep.

"This merger is not producing the expected synergies."

Luke Skywalker- Matrimonial Law

'I want to start by having you take separate staycations.'

'You've got Mr & Mrs Smith at 2.00, Mr & Mrs Jones at 2.30, and at 3.00 your wife has made an appointment with a Divorce Lawyer!'

"No, no - that's not the company sales, that's my marriage."

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR, 'Our biological clocks are in different time zones.'

"You'll hear from my lawyer."

'The wife says if I don't give up snooker, she's leaving me. . .I'm going to miss her.'

'As your solicitor I must ask you to consider divorce an option of last resort. We could mount a drone strike against your husband at a fraction of the cost.'

'I get the feeling lately that some of the magic has gone out of our relationship.'

Is this Randy the Love Doctor? Speaking. What ails you, sister? People were right: Now that gay people in all 50 states can marry, it's destroyed marriage altogether. My husband Larry just left me and moved in with Earl the plumber. First of all, ma'am, I'm pretty sure you have no idea how these things work. The supreme court gave Larry the gay. How do I undo the gay?

"We both need to get away and unsidewind awhile."

Pastor to couple: 'It is more blessed to forgive than to receive.'

Diplomacy

"When did you first notice your wife was missing?"

"I liked it better when we just had your people call my people."

'Stay, Rusty!'

Lady Justice Balances A Marriage Quarrel

"I'm used to him finishing my sentences, but now he starts them, too."

"I'm afraid, we may have to keep your wife in for a few days."

'Everyone does divorces, Mrs.Dawson.'

"...and what has my culinary genius conjured up to delight my taste buds tonight?"