Marital Discord Gifts

"My funny valentine is no longer funny ha-ha."

'There's too much Mahler in our marriage. We need some Mozart!'

"May I assume you want separate checks?"

'And this is for couples who, whilst not actively seeking divorce, have agreed to keep apart by two chevrons.'

'This is just a temporary arrangement. My husband and I are currently having a disagreement.'

'What? You ate the gateau instead of throwing it into my face?? You insensitive, egotistical brute! You don't love me anymore!'

"You're always too busy nowadays."

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

'This marriage is turning into a complete farce.'

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

"Helen, I have decided to seek a change of venue, since it has grown increasingly obvious that I can no longer get a fair trial in this household."

He leaves, but soon realizes his roots run too deep.

"This merger is not producing the expected synergies."

'I want to start by having you take separate staycations.'

"No, no - that's not the company sales, that's my marriage."

'You've got Mr & Mrs Smith at 2.00, Mr & Mrs Jones at 2.30, and at 3.00 your wife has made an appointment with a Divorce Lawyer!'

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR, 'Our biological clocks are in different time zones.'

"You'll hear from my lawyer."

'The wife says if I don't give up snooker, she's leaving me. . .I'm going to miss her.'

"When did you first notice your wife was missing?"

Pastor to couple: 'It is more blessed to forgive than to receive.'

'As your solicitor I must ask you to consider divorce an option of last resort. We could mount a drone strike against your husband at a fraction of the cost.'

Diplomacy

'I get the feeling lately that some of the magic has gone out of our relationship.'

"We both need to get away and unsidewind awhile."

"I liked it better when we just had your people call my people."

'Stay, Rusty!'

"I'm used to him finishing my sentences, but now he starts them, too."

Lady Justice Balances A Marriage Quarrel

'Oh it is nice to get away from it all.'

'I'm sorry, but I just can't handle you being out at sea for so long.'

"They're going through a bitter marriage."

"I'm afraid, we may have to keep your wife in for a few days."

"O.K., class, next we'll pound out the dough until that ungrateful, self-centered son of a bitch realizes he's not the center of the world, and maybe, just maybe, he doesn't deserve an attractive, well-educated woman with a wonderful sense of humor."

'We need to talk.'