Married Life Survivor Gifts

Prisoner

"Technically, I don't think you can claim to have saved your husband's life on several occasions just because you haven't killed him!"

"...until death do you a favor."

Pony express. Pony express yourself. Pony express yourself so much he left.

"I have been happily married... three times!"

"If we synchronize our tantrums, they'll have to stop talking. You in?"

'He takes after your mother' (colour)

Holiday-Cancelling Headphones

',,,But if I do eat them I'll lose my child support, Oh, Alice,divorce is so hard,'

"I got over DDT, and I'll get over you!"

"Happy anniversary, Clare. How'd you make it so many years?" "Figured it wasn't worth the prison time."

"It's over between us, Kevin, I've met a most wonderful cod!"

Ereptile Dysfunction

'I wish we'd never invented talking — nagging was so much easier to take in sign language.'

'I can't take much more of the happiness treadmill.'

Generation Ex.

'How long have you two been married?'

'You know your mother Dave, she's always on my back about something.'

"Being married to her was the most miserable experience of my life, but I was able to develop a sitcom out of it."

"Well, well – if it isn't the old crystal ball and chain."

"I've been getting the most intense workouts since I taped a picture of my ex on the heavy bag!"

'These anti-depressants aren't for swallowing, sir, they're for throwing at your ex-wife.'

'When I said we should see other people, I didn't mean starting tonight.'

"Nothing - he's ghosting you."

Your Dinner Is In The Trout Stream

'What are you doing trying to tempt me?? I told you I was through with you!!'

"On a personal note, my wife, Ann, and I have agreed to separate, as I've fallen in love with the sound of my own voice."

Hot flashes

'Don't look now but it's that guy from Pennsylvania that you dumped,'

'Noise? When you've been married as long as I have, it goes in one ear and out the other.'

"I call him auction man - his hair is going, his teeth are going, his sex drive has gone."

"I figured, better the devil you know."

'Muriel had a traumatic experience at a topless beach -- she was sunbathing, and a toddler attacked her.'

"Every time there was a rift in our relationship, we got a cat."

'My advice? Dump him! There are plenty more fish in the sea...'