Family Life Survivor Gifts

Holiday-Cancelling Headphones

'I clawed my way to the top and then I clawed my way back to the middle.'

'That reminds me, the seat broke on mine. I must make time to get it repaired.'

"...until death do you a favor."

'What about you...you've been living here thirty years too?'

'Don't forget to take your tranquilizers Daddy, little Jimmy is coming round to play.'

'He takes after your mother' (colour)

"I got over DDT, and I'll get over you!"

Eye, ear, nose, throat and loans to pay the bills.

"He told me I was a flip phone expected to do a smart phone job."

'It's OK, we all make mistakes. The important thing is that you learn to cover your tracks.'

"Being married to her was the most miserable experience of my life, but I was able to develop a sitcom out of it."

"Help, I'm being micro managed."

Your Dinner Is In The Trout Stream

"Have you heard? This year they want us to be tenaciously scholastic even in the bathroom."

'Damn copier broke down again!'

"Mommy you're perfect!"

'Muriel had a traumatic experience at a topless beach -- she was sunbathing, and a toddler attacked her.'

"That's the seventh time Dad's waved at me."

"Boy, will I be glad when the weekend gets here!"

"Every time there was a rift in our relationship, we got a cat."

"Honey! Come look at our little entrepreneur!"

"My ex weighs at least 5 lbs and is 23 inches. He usually hangs around the old dock, and prefers worms. Remember, you didn't hear it from me..."

'Frankly, my dear, you can keep the dam.'

"I'm just basking in the glow of my not screwing anything up today."

You're lucky you took the buyout. I was downsized.

"Allow me to introduce my wife - she's been giving me the silent treatment since 1982."

"Technically, I don't think you can claim to have saved your husband's life on several occasions just because you haven't killed him!"

"Don't get me wrong, I love my mistress, but there are 27 of us, so I like to get away now and then to get some privacy..."

Even medical students sometimes have to repeat a year.

'Nobody has seen as many employees and CEOs coming and going as you have, Higgins. How long have you worked here now?'

"Our foundation covers up just about anything ??" aside from childhood trauma."

"I'd invite you in, but I'm still cleaning up a few remnants from my previous relationship."

'Trust me - you're funnier without me'