Marriage Survivors Gifts

"If I'd known it would last this long, I'd have settled for the edited highlights."

"...until death do you a favor."

Pony express. Pony express yourself. Pony express yourself so much he left.

"OK, now what?"

Couple beyond prayer - need divine intervention.

"I have been happily married... three times!"

'I'll never forget you, Vince -- My therapist says it would be counterproductive to try.'

',,,But if I do eat them I'll lose my child support, Oh, Alice,divorce is so hard,'

"I got over DDT, and I'll get over you!"

'How long have you two been married?'

"It's over between us, Kevin, I've met a most wonderful cod!"

'I can't take much more of the happiness treadmill.'

Ereptile Dysfunction

"Happy anniversary, Clare. How'd you make it so many years?" "Figured it wasn't worth the prison time."

"Being married to her was the most miserable experience of my life, but I was able to develop a sitcom out of it."

'What are you doing trying to tempt me?? I told you I was through with you!!'

Your Dinner Is In The Trout Stream

"Well, well – if it isn't the old crystal ball and chain."

"I've been getting the most intense workouts since I taped a picture of my ex on the heavy bag!"

'When I said we should see other people, I didn't mean starting tonight.'

"On a personal note, my wife, Ann, and I have agreed to separate, as I've fallen in love with the sound of my own voice."

'These anti-depressants aren't for swallowing, sir, they're for throwing at your ex-wife.'

"Can't you just say 'bippity boppity boo' and make all these messy divorce negotiations turn into pumpkins or something?"

"I figured, better the devil you know."

'Don't look now but it's that guy from Pennsylvania that you dumped,'

"I call him auction man - his hair is going, his teeth are going, his sex drive has gone."

'Noise? When you've been married as long as I have, it goes in one ear and out the other.'

"Every time there was a rift in our relationship, we got a cat."

"If you ask me, we're better off without her."

"The babysitter wants to know where you keep your vodka?"

'My advice? Dump him! There are plenty more fish in the sea...'

"Recently separated."