Marriage Survivors Pillows

"If I'd known it would last this long, I'd have settled for the edited highlights."

Pony express. Pony express yourself. Pony express yourself so much he left.

"...until death do you a favor."

"OK, now what?"

"I have been happily married... three times!"

Couple beyond prayer - need divine intervention.

'I'll never forget you, Vince -- My therapist says it would be counterproductive to try.'

"If we synchronize our tantrums, they'll have to stop talking. You in?"

',,,But if I do eat them I'll lose my child support, Oh, Alice,divorce is so hard,'

"I got over DDT, and I'll get over you!"

'I can't take much more of the happiness treadmill.'

"Happy anniversary, Clare. How'd you make it so many years?" "Figured it wasn't worth the prison time."

Ereptile Dysfunction

"It's over between us, Kevin, I've met a most wonderful cod!"

'How long have you two been married?'

"Being married to her was the most miserable experience of my life, but I was able to develop a sitcom out of it."

"Can't you just say 'bippity boppity boo' and make all these messy divorce negotiations turn into pumpkins or something?"

'When I said we should see other people, I didn't mean starting tonight.'

'What are you doing trying to tempt me?? I told you I was through with you!!'

"Well, well – if it isn't the old crystal ball and chain."

"Nothing - he's ghosting you."

'These anti-depressants aren't for swallowing, sir, they're for throwing at your ex-wife.'

Your Dinner Is In The Trout Stream

"I've been getting the most intense workouts since I taped a picture of my ex on the heavy bag!"

"On a personal note, my wife, Ann, and I have agreed to separate, as I've fallen in love with the sound of my own voice."

"I call him auction man - his hair is going, his teeth are going, his sex drive has gone."

'Noise? When you've been married as long as I have, it goes in one ear and out the other.'

'Don't look now but it's that guy from Pennsylvania that you dumped,'

"I figured, better the devil you know."

"If you ask me, we're better off without her."

Tunnel of love

"Every time there was a rift in our relationship, we got a cat."

'I'd like to sample your house wine...Hmm, do you have something that stains a little better?'

"Recently separated."

'My advice? Dump him! There are plenty more fish in the sea...'