Post-divorce Warrior Gifts

Erica hated it when her ex tried to upstage her when he picked up the kids.

'Are you finished eating yet, sweetie?...Guess that answers THAT question!'

"My kid's a holy terror... no offense."

Mom, there's a simple explanation for this...Aliens from outer space.

'Stop pulling that silly face, Dear.'

'We'll need lots of nappy changes today, the T. V. just said it's going to be wet and windy.'

Well, we thought we had childproofed the house

"That's it young man. . . No more energy drinks for you!"

"But if I don't break stuff who will?"

'I'm not spoiled - I always smell like this.'

Marriage least expected to last...

"Has your mom tried turning him off and back on again?"

That's my daughter, Alayna

'You've got the Vietnam 1000 yard stare. All new parents get it!'

'Tommy's doing fine. I'm concerned about your poor fund-raising record. You sold only two magazine subscriptions and one measly candy bar.'

'Beware of teething baby.'

Buggy with Snowplow.

Woman telling her husband not to swear in front of the baby.

"No, I wasn't in a car accident. As a new parent, I'm still trying not to trip on all the toys on the floor."

'Hey, Dad. We learned all about the Kama Sutra at school today... Oh no, not the Kama Sutra, I mean The Magna Carta.'

"Being a parent is like being in prison. . . except we don't get the hour of exercise."

"'Parent' should always be an action verb."

Woman feeding baby is covered in food.

"Good luck Mr. Bond, you have one minute to diffuse this tantrum."

"Jackson Pollock's diaper"

'Two Mr. Wrongs don't make a Mr. Right.'

Pinata good bags.

',,,But if I do eat them I'll lose my child support, Oh, Alice,divorce is so hard,'

'I'm about to have a tantrum. What are you doing?'

"Puffiness and dark circles under the eyes, sniffles, trouble sleeping, rashes...you don't have allergies...you have children."

'These are very powerful tranquilizers for when your teen has he horrific tantrums. Take two of them anytime she flares up.'

"I changed my mind – no more kids."

"I'm not against having more children, I'd just like to finish with this one first."

"Sergio, I think you've done a great job raising the children."

"He keeps touching me!"