Divorce Warrior Gifts

'You've been a winner and a loser, now you're a loner and an ex!'

"I’ve combined all your outstanding debt into what we here in the banking business like to call a honkin’ big loan."

'Are you finished eating yet, sweetie?...Guess that answers THAT question!'

"Thanks to my wedding planner, everyone in the wedding is still talking to each other."

"My kid's a holy terror... no offense."

"That's it young man. . . No more energy drinks for you!"

'We'll need lots of nappy changes today, the T. V. just said it's going to be wet and windy.'

"When it comes to medical malpractice, most lawyers only go for the money... ...I go for the doctor's head."

'I'm not spoiled - I always smell like this.'

'Tommy's doing fine. I'm concerned about your poor fund-raising record. You sold only two magazine subscriptions and one measly candy bar.'

'You've got the Vietnam 1000 yard stare. All new parents get it!'

That's my daughter, Alayna

"Has your mom tried turning him off and back on again?"

Woman telling her husband not to swear in front of the baby.

'It's a type of credit card that self destructs when it reaches the limit I've set for you.'

"Jackson Pollock's diaper"

Student Debt

Competitiveness in Ancient Times

"He can never take anything serious. Everything's a joke."

"'Parent' should always be an action verb."

'Sorry, he can't come out and play. He's grounded.'

"That's for staying married for thirty-five years to a difficult woman."

"No, I wasn't in a car accident. As a new parent, I'm still trying not to trip on all the toys on the floor."

'I'm with my minister father and my senator mom through the week and my senator mom through the week. I'm the ultimate division between Church and State.'

',,,But if I do eat them I'll lose my child support, Oh, Alice,divorce is so hard,'

A Successful Wedding Party Returns From the Hunt

"Puffiness and dark circles under the eyes, sniffles, trouble sleeping, rashes...you don't have allergies...you have children."

It's not always a good idea for two contrarians like you to be together. You hear that, you old battle-axe? Yeah, I hear that, you old coot. That'll be $150.

"I'm in real trouble this time -- I broke the house!"

"I'm not against having more children, I'd just like to finish with this one first."

'I wish I came in a child-proof container.'

"Sergio, I think you've done a great job raising the children."

Mixed Marriage: Downhill Racer.

'Normally I'd be strongly opposed to a womanh your age electing a permanent birth control option...but in your case-'

"On a personal note, my wife, Ann, and I have agreed to separate, as I've fallen in love with the sound of my own voice."