Divorce Warrior Gifts

'You've been a winner and a loser, now you're a loner and an ex!'

"I’ve combined all your outstanding debt into what we here in the banking business like to call a honkin’ big loan."

"Thanks to my wedding planner, everyone in the wedding is still talking to each other."

"My kid's a holy terror... no offense."

'We'll need lots of nappy changes today, the T. V. just said it's going to be wet and windy.'

"That's it young man. . . No more energy drinks for you!"

'I'm not spoiled - I always smell like this.'

"When it comes to medical malpractice, most lawyers only go for the money... ...I go for the doctor's head."

"Has your mom tried turning him off and back on again?"

'You've got the Vietnam 1000 yard stare. All new parents get it!'

Woman telling her husband not to swear in front of the baby.

'It's a type of credit card that self destructs when it reaches the limit I've set for you.'

'Sorry, he can't come out and play. He's grounded.'

"'Parent' should always be an action verb."

Student Debt

"He can never take anything serious. Everything's a joke."

"Jackson Pollock's diaper"

'I'm with my minister father and my senator mom through the week and my senator mom through the week. I'm the ultimate division between Church and State.'

"That's for staying married for thirty-five years to a difficult woman."

"No, I wasn't in a car accident. As a new parent, I'm still trying not to trip on all the toys on the floor."

Competitiveness in Ancient Times

',,,But if I do eat them I'll lose my child support, Oh, Alice,divorce is so hard,'

A Successful Wedding Party Returns From the Hunt

"I'm not against having more children, I'd just like to finish with this one first."

"Sergio, I think you've done a great job raising the children."

'I wish I came in a child-proof container.'

"I'm in real trouble this time -- I broke the house!"

Mixed Marriage: Downhill Racer.

'Normally I'd be strongly opposed to a womanh your age electing a permanent birth control option...but in your case-'

"On a personal note, my wife, Ann, and I have agreed to separate, as I've fallen in love with the sound of my own voice."

"You'll have one bite of everything!"