Post-divorce Warrior Pillows

"My kid's a holy terror... no offense."

Mom, there's a simple explanation for this...Aliens from outer space.

"That's it young man. . . No more energy drinks for you!"

'Stop pulling that silly face, Dear.'

'We'll need lots of nappy changes today, the T. V. just said it's going to be wet and windy.'

"But if I don't break stuff who will?"

Marriage least expected to last...

'I'm not spoiled - I always smell like this.'

"Has your mom tried turning him off and back on again?"

'You've got the Vietnam 1000 yard stare. All new parents get it!'

Buggy with Snowplow.

'Beware of teething baby.'

Woman telling her husband not to swear in front of the baby.

"Being a parent is like being in prison. . . except we don't get the hour of exercise."

"'Parent' should always be an action verb."

"No, I wasn't in a car accident. As a new parent, I'm still trying not to trip on all the toys on the floor."

"Jackson Pollock's diaper"

Woman feeding baby is covered in food.

'Two Mr. Wrongs don't make a Mr. Right.'

'Hey, Dad. We learned all about the Kama Sutra at school today... Oh no, not the Kama Sutra, I mean The Magna Carta.'

"Good luck Mr. Bond, you have one minute to diffuse this tantrum."

',,,But if I do eat them I'll lose my child support, Oh, Alice,divorce is so hard,'

'I'm about to have a tantrum. What are you doing?'

'These are very powerful tranquilizers for when your teen has he horrific tantrums. Take two of them anytime she flares up.'

"Sergio, I think you've done a great job raising the children."

"I'm not against having more children, I'd just like to finish with this one first."

"I changed my mind – no more kids."

"Noah, I'm tired of doing battle with you!"

"He keeps touching me!"