Divorce Settlement Gifts

"I want to be put on lifestyle support."

"Let's remain open to closing as we are close to the opening."

"Mom got the house."

Bartender: 'Rough day, huh?'Man: 'I'll say. My ex-wife just sued the pants off me.'

"You've just got a set of clubs for your husband? I'd call that a good exchange!"

'This next song is for my ex-wife, because she owns it and collects all the royalties.'

After Mr and Mrs Tooth and Nail you've got the Hammer and Tongs.

Solicitor tells divorcing couple: 'You must see that 'I'll have the bricks and she can have the mortar' is not very helpful,'

'We're having a problem over who gets the exercise equipment. Neither of us wants it.'

'I'm having a hard-time unwinding during the prenup process.'

"When I got divorced, I went through all the stages of grieving - sadness, anger, denial and punching the air with delight when the settlement cheque came through!"

"It was the divorce, she took half of everything."

'Past performance is not an indication of future results.'

"Agamemnon and Clytemnestra have decided to separate amicably."

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"Before you chop off my head, don't you think we should see a counsellor?"

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

'Now what brings you lovely people here?'

"Some day, son, all this will be your ex-wife's."

"I'm voting for Stephen because I cannot stand Katie's mother, she is so catty! Anyway-- how're your parents doing with the divorce?"

"Get me this...get me that...fluff my pillow...I don't feel well...if I wanted to listen to that all day, I wouldn't have left my husband!"

"I really miss being in a committed relationship, Randy." "Which part do you miss most?" "Having someone disagree with you over what you're going to eat, or over what TV shows you're going to watch? Or do you miss having to account for how you spend your time? Or having to explain why you bought yourself something awesome without first getting permission?" "Mostly I miss the back rubs. They don't ask you to wash the dishes first at massage parlors."

Very Difficult Conversations

"We'll always have couples therapy."

"In my life, I've had seven cars, six jobs, five houses, four bypass operations, and three wives!"

"I can't believe he brought her."

"...And do you promise if you ever should divorce that you'll remain friends?"

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

"My wife left me. Then my hard drive died."

When Love In The Laboratory Turns Sour.

'Three weeks of brutal alimony negotiations, Polly, and you settle for a cracker!'

Marriage least expected to last...

'And she's got to have implants out to here.'