Custody Settlement Gifts

"The divorce came through . . . I get to keep the kids."

'I'm with my minister father and my senator mom through the week and my senator mom through the week. I'm the ultimate division between Church and State.'

"You got custody of us, mommy, because you're the very best attorney picker."

Bartender: 'Bad day, huh?' Man: 'I'll say. My vindictive ex-wife just won sole custody of my inner child.'

Bartender: 'Rough day, huh?'Man: 'I'll say. My ex-wife just sued the pants off me.'

'Hell hath no furry like the lawyer of a woman scorned.'

'Your fee is causing us more mental anguish than the accident.'

"I have the kids Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. She has them Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. Thursday they're free-range.

Birthdays were always better at Mom's.

''Honor thy father and thy mother'? -- What about custody disputes?'

After Mr and Mrs Tooth and Nail you've got the Hammer and Tongs.

"The custody battle could go on for months, and cost you a small fortune. Why don't you just buy yourself ANOTHER dog?"

'This next song is for my ex-wife, because she owns it and collects all the royalties.'

'Guess what? The judge awarded ME custody in today's two child custody cases!'

"Let's remain open to closing as we are close to the opening."

'Your wife gets custody of the children, and you get custody of the babysitter.'

Guardianship of minors

"Her lawyers were very good."

'Access to the kids? No. I want access to the computer equipment.'

"Okay, these are the documents we need to sue your ex for child support, and if we can convince the court it's not too out off line, to have the words, 'lying, cheating b*****d' tattooed on his forehead."

'I got custody of the kids.'

Tug of war.

attorney at law

Solicitor tells divorcing couple: 'You must see that 'I'll have the bricks and she can have the mortar' is not very helpful,'

"I'm sorry, Jim. Due to a paperwork error, you now have custody of my kids."

'Since they divorced I'm living with my mom, but every other weekend my dad is entitled to take me for a walk.'

Lawyer: 'She got the house, he got the money, and somehow, I ended up with the kid.'

'He's gone. Call the auctioneer.'

'The problem is that since the divorce, I only see Little Master every second weekend...'

'He can have custody of the kids as long as I have access to his bank account at weekends.'

The Latter Day Wisdom of Solomon

'What d'you mean I've won custody of the children - what children?'

'I'm having a hard-time unwinding during the prenup process.'

"When I got divorced, I went through all the stages of grieving - sadness, anger, denial and punching the air with delight when the settlement cheque came through!"

'It's all settled. You get the house and car. You get the kids. And you get custody of the canary.'