Custody Decision Gifts

"Oh come on, Judith - surely one of us wants the kids!"

"Some day, son, all this will be your ex-wife's."

'Sometimes I wish I had never sold my camels!'

'I'm with my minister father and my senator mom through the week and my senator mom through the week. I'm the ultimate division between Church and State.'

"You got custody of us, mommy, because you're the very best attorney picker."

Bartender: 'Bad day, huh?' Man: 'I'll say. My vindictive ex-wife just won sole custody of my inner child.'

'Access to the kids? No. I want access to the audio equipment.'

"I was told you didn't want a pacemaker fitted."

"I have the kids Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. She has them Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. Thursday they're free-range.

'I'm afraid your child support payments will be quite substantial.'

Birthdays were always better at Mom's.

''Honor thy father and thy mother'? -- What about custody disputes?'

"The custody battle could go on for months, and cost you a small fortune. Why don't you just buy yourself ANOTHER dog?"

'I'll relinquish most of my visitation rights if you'll just let Katie come over once in awhile to program my appliances.'

'Guess what? The judge awarded ME custody in today's two child custody cases!'

'Your wife gets custody of the children, and you get custody of the babysitter.'

"Okay, these are the documents we need to sue your ex for child support, and if we can convince the court it's not too out off line, to have the words, 'lying, cheating b*****d' tattooed on his forehead."

'Since they divorced I'm living with my mom, but every other weekend my dad is entitled to take me for a walk.'

"Her lawyers were very good."

'Access to the kids? No. I want access to the computer equipment.'

Tug of war.

'I got custody of the kids.'

Guardianship of minors

"I'm sorry, Jim. Due to a paperwork error, you now have custody of my kids."

Lawyer: 'She got the house, he got the money, and somehow, I ended up with the kid.'

'The problem is that since the divorce, I only see Little Master every second weekend...'

'He can have custody of the kids as long as I have access to his bank account at weekends.'

'What d'you mean I've won custody of the children - what children?'

"I want to break up, but he's got an espresso machine."

"Gee, I'd love to, but that's the weekend my father gets me."

The Latter Day Wisdom of Solomon

'It's for when my Dad gets supervised access.'

'Sorry. I forgot it was my weekend to have the kids.'

Divorce proceedings

Judge's desk boxes: 'Decisions...landmark decisions.