Custody Dispute Gifts

"We've sorted out the house and the money but we can't agree over who has to keep the kids."

"Bob & Sue 2011" "Sued Bob 2011"

"What flower says you're sorry without admitting wrongdoing?"

'I'm with my minister father and my senator mom through the week and my senator mom through the week. I'm the ultimate division between Church and State.'

'Insofar as all parties have agreed to mediation, I've taken the liberty of hiring a medium.'

"You got custody of us, mommy, because you're the very best attorney picker."

'Access to the kids? No. I want access to the audio equipment.'

Bartender: 'Bad day, huh?' Man: 'I'll say. My vindictive ex-wife just won sole custody of my inner child.'

'Your fee is causing us more mental anguish than the accident.'

'I'm afraid your child support payments will be quite substantial.'

'My husband is a very large, loud and obnoxious man. OK, sure, I tried to hire a hit man. But just to hit him.'

''Honor thy father and thy mother'? -- What about custody disputes?'

"Is there anything else I can do wrong for you?"

'I'll relinquish most of my visitation rights if you'll just let Katie come over once in awhile to program my appliances.'

"The custody battle could go on for months, and cost you a small fortune. Why don't you just buy yourself ANOTHER dog?"

'Guess what? The judge awarded ME custody in today's two child custody cases!'

'Your wife gets custody of the children, and you get custody of the babysitter.'

"Okay, these are the documents we need to sue your ex for child support, and if we can convince the court it's not too out off line, to have the words, 'lying, cheating b*****d' tattooed on his forehead."

Tug of war.

"This is getting ugly, she's demanding a return of the kidney she donated to you back in '88."

Guardianship of minors

'I got custody of the kids.'

"Her lawyers were very good."

'Since they divorced I'm living with my mom, but every other weekend my dad is entitled to take me for a walk.'

"Excluding our little granddaughter who calls me 'horrible old smellypops!'"

'Access to the kids? No. I want access to the computer equipment.'

"I'm sorry, Jim. Due to a paperwork error, you now have custody of my kids."

Lawyer: 'She got the house, he got the money, and somehow, I ended up with the kid.'

Family Feud

'The problem is that since the divorce, I only see Little Master every second weekend...'

'He can have custody of the kids as long as I have access to his bank account at weekends.'

'What d'you mean I've won custody of the children - what children?'

"We are fighting so much I'm coming to live with you again."

"Gee, I'd love to, but that's the weekend my father gets me."

"Mommy and Daddy are arguing again."