Patient Diner Gifts

Restaurant customer waiting to be seated dies of hunger.

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

"Who ordered the double chocolate parfait with a cherry on top?"

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

I'd like to take this menu and shove it where the sun don't shine. But I'll settle for the omelette & hash browns...

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

Church Basement Foodie

Alphabet soup gets cold for slow readers.

Countervailing Clichés.

Waitress to church leader: 'It's your daily bread, Pastor. Remember? You ordered the prayer breakfast.'

'I really can't stay for dessert. Why don't you stay and DVR the rest of the date for me?'

Diner

"I'll have the egg-yellow omelette."

'How is the water prepared?'

'So,,,apparently you're really a dude,'

What's your thumb doing on my steak? Want me to drop it again?

"How's everything here? Let's start with your earliest childhood memories."

I used to eat plenty of natural foods, but then I found out that most people die of natural causes.

As I say, local produce, locally produced; all our meats tonight come form our local meat processing plant.

'How would you like your toast?'

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

"This IS a chicken fried steak!"

Zagat Rated.

'What wine do you recommend with the peanut butter-filled, deep fried, jalapeno bacon bombs?'

'They're not mints - they're antacid tablets.'

'I can't have you spending all of your money on fancy restaurants like this, Jeff.'

"Where's my order!? This service is terrible! That stuff will be cold by the time it gets here!! What's the hold-up!?!"

"A votre sante!"

"Young man, the world is your oyster, but for God�s sake avoid peanuts, soy, milk, eggs, wheat, fish, tree nuts, and chocolate."

'Would you like me to wipe the cup with my finger or would you prefer Rover here licking it clean?'

Dave's Hamburger Shop

'Would you folks care for some fresh maple syrup on your pancakes?'

'Your tea is getting cold.'

'...And an extra packet of crackers! It's our Anniversary!'

'Careful, the plate is really hot.'