Diner Gifts

'How is the water prepared?'

"All of our menu items have a tobacco-juice base."

'All our food is locally sourced.'

'I appreciate your enthusiasm in serving me but I never tip more than 15 percent.'

'I can't cut my steak. Take it back.' 'I can't, you've bent it.'

'Not yet! Wait until he hits the breaking point... we just gave him some warm, soft bread and the cold, hard butter... THEN we bring out the flimsy plastic knife.'

'It's ‘Enjoy your meal, SIR,' not ‘Get that down yer neck, Cock'!'

'With artichokes you end up with more than you started.'

"That's my plate. They said it comes with a side of my choice."

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

'My wife can cook anything I want. But then I don't want it.'

"The cow was a vegetetarian."

'Your fingers are in the soup.' 'Yes it's freezing in the kitchen.'

'Would you like your change in money or used vegetable oil?'

'I'm sorry, but the free range chicken escaped.'

'I don't mind the meat being carved at the table, but do the potatoes have to be mashed at the table?'

'It's my idea of a seven course meal... a hot dog and a six-pack of beer!'

"Not here,sir - I suggest you try the church next door."

'Salt and pepper spray- this is a tough joint!'

'A small amount of milk can turn into so much.'

Bacon bits at the salad bar.

'Isn't that your wife who's just come in?'

'They're not mints - they're antacid tablets.'

TUNA SURPRISE $4.95, 'Ah-HA! -- the surprise is that I'M the tuna!'

TUNA SURPRISE $4.95, 'Ah-HA! -- the surprise is that I'M the tuna!'

'Don't think of it as leftovers -- think of it as a mopping-up operation.'

'No, there isn't any shrimp in the 'Shrimp Surprise' -- It's just called that because it's not all that much of a surprise.'

'The special today is scraps.'

'I'm sorry, sir, but cheeseburgers are out of season.'

It's a working lunch, we're lunching, you're working.

"I'm afraid you can't speak to the Chef at the moment, sir. He's out, buying you a, 'get well soon' card."

Would you like to lick out the bowl?

'Your chili's downloading now.'

'Oh, quit blubbering about not finding any quality walrus fat in the city!'

'That IS the chef's surprise, sir -- the pork chops are really tofu.'