Diner Pillows

'And if you like comfort food, I would recommend the Xanax stuffed pork -loin.'

Internet censorship.

'How is the water prepared?'

'All our food is locally sourced.'

'It's my idea of a seven course meal... a hot dog and a six-pack of beer!'

'I don't mind the meat being carved at the table, but do the potatoes have to be mashed at the table?'

'I'm sorry, but the free range chicken escaped.'

'Would you like your change in money or used vegetable oil?'

'Your fingers are in the soup.' 'Yes it's freezing in the kitchen.'

"The cow was a vegetetarian."

'My wife can cook anything I want. But then I don't want it.'

"That's my plate. They said it comes with a side of my choice."

'With artichokes you end up with more than you started.'

'It's ‘Enjoy your meal, SIR,' not ‘Get that down yer neck, Cock'!'

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

'Not yet! Wait until he hits the breaking point... we just gave him some warm, soft bread and the cold, hard butter... THEN we bring out the flimsy plastic knife.'

'I can't cut my steak. Take it back.' 'I can't, you've bent it.'

'I appreciate your enthusiasm in serving me but I never tip more than 15 percent.'

"All of our menu items have a tobacco-juice base."

'The special today is scraps.'

It's a working lunch, we're lunching, you're working.

'Your chili's downloading now.'

'Oh, quit blubbering about not finding any quality walrus fat in the city!'

'That IS the chef's surprise, sir -- the pork chops are really tofu.'

Watch Your Coat.

Would you like to lick out the bowl?

'Don't think of it as leftovers -- think of it as a mopping-up operation.'

TUNA SURPRISE $4.95, 'Ah-HA! -- the surprise is that I'M the tuna!'

TUNA SURPRISE $4.95, 'Ah-HA! -- the surprise is that I'M the tuna!'

'They're not mints - they're antacid tablets.'

'Isn't that your wife who's just come in?'

Bacon bits at the salad bar.

'A small amount of milk can turn into so much.'

'Salt and pepper spray- this is a tough joint!'

"Not here,sir - I suggest you try the church next door."