Nielsen Naysayer Gifts

'Tell the Nielsen people I'm channel hopping, and let it go at that.'

Four Types of Test-Takers...

Traditional vs alternative medicine.

The lunar landing of Appollo 11 is shown as a hoax filmed in a studio.

'You sure complain a lot for someone who says he loves nature.'

'No no!! Not that one... The BIG one on the top shelf!!'

The anti-social network: 'Hey Jeffrey...I need help setting up my dad's anti-social network.'

"I've founded my own religion." "Of course you have, Rudy." "It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths." "If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted." "What are the central tenets of your religion?" "A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation."

'The cow jumped over the moon? The mouse ran up the clock? Steroids, right?'

"With great power comes great reward."

Suggestions Get Shredded.

"Today the House Intelligence committee began its investigation of the FBI's investigation of the House Intelligence Committees investigation of the FBI..."

Go Back to New York

"Listen, pal! I didn't spend seven million bucks to get here so I could yield the floor to you."

'Psst, Senator, not that one -- that's your HIDDEN agenda!'

"There's a customer-satisfaction questionnaire for you to fill out and for us to not look at and immediately throw away."

Brighton boatman offering the hire of a pleasure boat on a very cold day

"The only reason I would take a job in government is to write a tell-all book!"

'You and your aversion to needles!'

'Confusing, dangerous times call for confusing, dangerous leadership!'

God is dead.

The Three Branches of Government

"Sir, your trust me sign is crooked."

"This is the politicians model, it doesn't actually give an answer."

'You had to get shots? I couldn't stand that. I hate needles!'

'One day, this will make a wonderful metaphor.'

"Amazing. Their entire economy was based on gift cards."

'When we said 'the common good,' of course, we meant ourselves.'

'I said my first no today...'