Joyful Naysayer Gifts

'I said my first no today...'

Science Museum. Why are you skeptical about the things scientists say? Because they claim the universe is expanding but when I visited my childhood hometown, everything was smaller.

Traditional vs alternative medicine.

'I'm still employed, but to save on utility costs, they offshored me.'

'You sure complain a lot for someone who says he loves nature.'

The anti-social network: 'Hey Jeffrey...I need help setting up my dad's anti-social network.'

"I just completely disagree with what you just said about America lacking focus."

Go Back to New York

'Where are all these people who lived happily ever after?'

'An off-white entertainment giant that's been in and out of favour with the public - what better place for Jacko's comeback?'

'You and your aversion to needles!'

God is dead.

"Did he give it all to the poor, or just the after salary and expenses part?"

Not a happy camper.

One more question, Lance

'You had to get shots? I couldn't stand that. I hate needles!'

'Tell the Nielsen people I'm channel hopping, and let it go at that.'

'He could never resist taking an opposing position on an old saying...'

Which Brain is Half Full and Which is Half Empty?

"I don't like hearing happy stories."

"Did you send your editor the final pages of 'Organizing Your Life'?"

I'm announcing the debut of my new manual: "Randy's Movie-Watching for Alphas." Chapter One: The critics are all wrong

"Well, everything's going great! I guess it's time to bring in the naysayers."

"In my day, this was our fidget spinner."

'Sorry I had to keep you on hold for so long Sir. The reorganization caused an appreciable decrease of personnel cost and we have to adapt to the new circumstances.'

"Here's to even lower expectations in the New Year."

Sponsored grump, donate now: 'This isn't much of a challenge for you really, is it?'

"Math scares me so much I can't even add it to my list of anxieties."

'He's reached his limit with Government health advice.'

Christmas - Let's get it over with.

Syringe being bent by a tattoo of a knight in armour.

"I come to these get-togethers to see who's coming apart."

'Fiends of the Earth'

'I love this room, so many happy memories of killing innovation..'

'Your generation is soft. I my day we had only three cable movie channels, one ESPN and it was all crappy analog!!'