Mall Regular Gifts

Pirates at the mall.

High security Santa's grotto

Mall Directory: You aren't here x - where the heck are you?

'I love shopping for clothing I don't need with money I don't have.'

"Well, I have an opening in Cloverdale Mall ... let me hear you say Ho Ho Ho."

Where there's a Mall--There's a Way.

Cars follow the sign to the mall rather than the sign to the manger.

'I only buy art that I can understand.'

Gossip columns: 'And rumour has it that singer, Kelli B is said to be in shock after finding out longtime boyfriend, actor Todd Korfull, has been having an affair with, now get this, KELLI'S agent!! YEEOUCH!...' A column talking

'You're out of '50 Great Years of Mindless Consumerism?' How about 'Celebrating America's Shopping Malls?' That one, too?'

'We're dangerous when we shop. We're really really dangerous when we don't shop.'

'Trading was active in rumors, today...'

"Keep an eye on Old Bound Volume of Harpers. He's on the make."

'I'm beset by self-doubt! BESET I TELL YOU!'

Mall: "We always hold hands - If I let go, she shops."

'Your operation is delayed for a couple of hours... there's a big sale at the mall down the street and all the nurses are down there.'

Americana Mall

"While we do appreciate your diligence... It's not the store's policy to shoot shoplifters!"

Welcome to the real world. What just happened? Where am I? The Mall. The Mall. We've been shopping – in person. Not the kind of shopping where you order things on your phone and have them sent to your house. this is the jungle! And you didn't last five minutes! You were laid out by some geezer hustling to the grocery section to get a special deal on prune juice! E-commerce has made you soft! I've got a scratch on my iPhone.

Sally and her fashionista friends get to me. Save our mall! Ignore them! Let's take your mind off them. Don't even think it! I know. Going shopping would be wring. Does ordering online count.

Just think! If the mall goes bust, what happens to all that paved-over land? Save our mall. We could roll up the asphalt and start a huge nature preserve. What about current wildlife? Hmm�You're right. I don't think the endangered species act covers mall rats.

I don't like the look of that fish! Can I help it if it had ugly parents?

Complaints (just kidding).

'Lovely private view . . . must come again to see the pictures.'

"My religion? I'm a consumerist, first reformed midwest synod. We pray facing the Mall of America."

'Everything must go...manners included!'

Relax, you are now floating in hydrochloric acid...

"I have decided to go on holiday this year and would therefore like to hire one million santas for December 25th."

'And I got this scar when I got in a crush of plump women rushing to buy Leviathongs at the mall sale...'

"excuse me...what town am i in..?"

New Mall

What's this about? The recession is devastating chain stores. Save our mall. They're the lifeblood of teen culture as we know it. What are your solutions? We're having a massive shop-in this Saturday! Shop 'til you drop. Big $$. Like a day of service? Exactly! But you'll feel even better about yourself.

'We're conducting a shopper-flow study for the new giant Oakdale mall.'

'I'm going to need backup on two. 'The situation' is escalating.'

'I just love the holidays. It's such a happy time of year!'