Little League Skeptic Gifts

"This is the little league. You can't negotiate a signing bonus"

I love your enthusiasm, girls, but we're not opening a can of whoop-ANYTHING.

"You keep an eye on our horse. I'm checking to see if the bookie runs off with our money."

'We studied the multiplication table in school today -- frankly, I don't believe a word of it.'

"We won again, and guess what? A Russian oligarch wants to buy us!"

"It's her first bench-clearing brawl."

"How do you know he was offsides? How do you know anything? Isn’t it possible this is all a dream?!"

"Would you knowingly cheat to be better at something just to make millions of dollars? Well would you? Son? ... Son?"

'We're doing everything we can to police ourselves on steroids.'

"Benjamin, we've discovered, is quite gifted at third base."

"OK...this season, I'm not taking any fooling around...we must have discipline! We must know the rules! We must respect the other team! But mostly...no yelling at the kids, or the coach!"

"I admit saying England had no hope of winning the World Cup, me Lord, but it isn't treason."

End of football season - UK

"By the time I develop a true understanding of sand, I'll probably be forced into some sort of organized sports."

Sportsmanship

'A good, but not a grand slam!'

"I don't really believe in the tooth fairy anymore, but if it pays, I play!"

"It's simple, really. You're a team member when you want something. You're an employee when I want something."

'Sixteen home runs, 34 runs batted in, and nine stolen bases. I'd call that being good.'

Little League Registration: "Um, I think we're gonna need to see your birth certificate again, son. . ."

'She's a good coach, and the kids seem to like her. But I still think someone should at least run a background check.'

"I hate golf. There's something unnatural about a game where the lowest score wins."

'Next time up, I'm calling my shot: I'm pointing to the catcher's mitt.'

'Big deal. I could win every race too, if I used performance-enhancing sugar.'

"Eh? What? Eh? I'm sorry, I dozed off during all that cross-field and back passing."

Thanks to the amazing new Zap-a-Slacker, parents are able to send a mild electrical current to their daydreamy Little Leaguers.

"Would you explain to your son that there's no free agency in T-ball?"

"What kind of idiot gets suckered into something like that?"

'Amazing! You're the first patient I've ever met who gets blisters on his feet and pain in his back just by thinking of sport!'

'I said I was bored, not unconscious.'

'I'm using my eyes, how are you looking at it?'

"Now isn’t this better than that silly Super Bowl game?"

Lonely Trump Rally in Tulsa

'I can't decide which I'm least excited about...the royal wedding or the Olympics.'

'Crickets? I mean cricket?'