Baseball Skeptics Gifts

'I said I was bored, not unconscious.'

'If I had to use one word to describe our strategy.'

'Seriously, in this day and age, how can people still believe in this nonsense that we have evolved from microbes...?'

"You keep an eye on our horse. I'm checking to see if the bookie runs off with our money."

"He's got great velocity but his trajectory needs work."

'And from what we've been able to determine, this is the tweak that broke the paradigm's back.'

"All this pitching and hitting- I'm convinced there's a deeper meaning to it all."

"We made a miscalculation, but it's consistent with our over-all strategy."

"A few years ago, you management gurus told us to downsize until the halls echoed..."

Alternative Medicine

'What's most depressing is the realization that everything we believe will be disproved in a few years.'

'A 'D' in physics and biology, an 'A' in reading aloud. What will ever become of this kid?'

"If we evolved from stupid people, why are there stupid people still around?"

'In an effort to make this sales meeting more pleasant, I have taken the liberty of rotating our sales graph counter clockwise a full ninety degrees,'

'Einstein's theory of negativity'

I have decided that all future board meetings will be held before lunch.

Celebrity Phrenologist.

"Uniformly accelerated motion"

When Downsizing has Gone Too Far...

First clue that the latest medical breakthrough isn't quite there yet - 'Don't worry, I had the same thing...'

In a career limiting move, Reginald decided to give Albert's latest theory some frank and fearless feedback.

"What I like about intelligent design is that it explains everything will proving nothing."

"If they de-regulate this place, we wouldn't have to do all those boring scientific tests."

"Running is great. Unless you compare it with not running."

Two plus two equals five. I don't think so. The earth is flat, or maybe it's shaped like a fish. Huh? Many Republican candidates don't believe in evolution!!! Math, science -- who needs 'em really. That's what I said in high school.

'I was born with math immunity, so I'm special. I know that.'

"Yeah, but good luck getting it peer-reviewed."

"I totally meant to do that."

'And now, Henderson will introduce his 25-part plan on spontaneity.'

'Our sabermetrics guy has confirmed that last year's team that went 60-102 was bad.'

"This is the little league. You can't negotiate a signing bonus"

"Solar flares may be a contributing factor or perhaps it's a negative vibe sensitivity...."

Baseball manager shows pitcher complicated charts.

'The batter's crowding the plate. Try dusting him off at the knees. If that doesn't work, throw it high and inside. If he still won't back off, charge the plate and bite him.'

'Haffner, we'll have none of your common sense suggestions!'