Baseball Critic Gifts

"I must confess, I'm starting to prefer basketball to baseball."

'Baseball isn't a sport?'

"Really? They're now giving out non-participation trophies?"

"He's got great velocity but his trajectory needs work."

"All this pitching and hitting- I'm convinced there's a deeper meaning to it all."

Maybe we should stop calling it 'The Masters.'

'Call 911! He watched 12 straight hours of football without training adequately.'

"Uniformly accelerated motion"

Please Do Not Throw Cups of Beer At The Players... It's A Waste of Beer.'

Rest in Peace Instant Replay

'What the... Oh, lucky me - it's just something easy to get rid of!'

'Our sabermetrics guy has confirmed that last year's team that went 60-102 was bad.'

Baseball manager shows pitcher complicated charts.

'I wish you'd make those meatballs a little lighter; they hurt!'

'The batter's crowding the plate. Try dusting him off at the knees. If that doesn't work, throw it high and inside. If he still won't back off, charge the plate and bite him.'

"Figured out who should bat cleanup yet, Skipper?"

'My next batter says this team doesn't pay him enough to lay down a sacrifice bunt. ... Could you pass this hat around?'

"We've been standing here talking about how to pitch to the batter for way too long, haven't we?"

'I don't want to mention any names, but one of you isn't giving 100% out there.'

'Listen,kid, you're going to have to lower your standards if you ever want to throw the sleazeball.'

'We're sending you down, Hartnett. You need to work on your scratching and spitting.'

Doping

Group showers. Just one of the reasons few golfers take up football.

'But now for the good news, Bob. The replay was shown repeatedly on Sports Center.'

'You may be wondering what a sex scandal has to do with managing the national team...'

'No way, man! Murphy isn't worth anywhere near the 3.5 million they're paying him!'

'He's using a cheat sheet, ump! Can he do that?'

'He hits better against right handed pitching, so pitch left-handed, to him.'

'The pitcher calls a time out and walks toward the dugout. He's signaling the front office, and it looks like they're bringing out a new manager.'

"He's told them many a time, not to let defenders shoot, but do they take any notice. . ?"

Match-fixing (cricket)

'You've done a fine job throwing money at problems, Senator, but I think it's time to bring in a reliever.'