Sports Critics Gifts

Bull's eye for Russian doping

The Boys of Roids

"Good game."

'Reading, writing and arithmetic are important, son. Someday you might sign autographs for money.'

"Break his third chakra!" "Knock the dharma out of him!"

Missing Persons...'I'm not sure when she disappeared - sometime during the football season.'

"Let's go watch TV I hear there are bowl games on."

What McWit lacks in speed he gains in nose.

'These goalscoring celebrations are getting out of hand.'

"Really? They're now giving out non-participation trophies?"

"Now we move over to the sports desk."

I think you're ace

'At least now the injury worries are over, we can concentrate on slagging off the team.'

'He's got abdominal pain, dizziness and soreness in his extremities. I'll know more when I see X-rays...'

Perils of the double play.

'The 'Leviathan Bat,' or many centuried marvel of the modern (cricket) world. (Dr. William Gilbert Grace.)'

Kenny Dalglish

'And now on the comedy channel Jose Mourinho's latest outburst.'

'Why do they call him Neckline Ned.' - 'He's always plunging down the middle but never showing anything.'

"All those training sessions, seminars and studies... ... to reinforce the reality of womens equality and extirpate any remnants of a deluded belief in male superiority When all we had to do was show them Rachel Daly doing a bicycle kick GASP!"

Maybe we should stop calling it 'The Masters.'

'Wow! That's got to be some sort of record!'

Gold Medal for IOC boss Thomas Bach in the discipline of Brown-Nosing-Dictators-For-Money.

'And with this one I scored 138 not out...every one off the edge.'

'Wait! Let's see if he gets up on his own.'

Novak Djokovic has his visa denied to play in Australia as he is unvaccinated

"You may inflict pain, but it mustn't be severe or prolonged."

Tennis ball girl.

'You know our track team stinks when our star pole vaulter is better at the limbo.'

"Getting the ball in the hole on the first swing is good isn't it?"

Ok, ok, maybe you guys are right - maybe I do have a concussion.

American Football.

'You can't beat the excitement of a new county season.'

'The Wilsons picked up a quarterback in the off-season. The Riveras picked up a quarterback. The Ludwigs picked up a quaterback...'

Joey Barton's red card wins Premiership League for Manchester City.