Sports Television Critic Gifts

Sir Alex Ferguson breaks seven-year boycott of the BBC.

Monster Baseball. The team's continuing to have some problems this season. Jekyll is good one day and bad the next. Dracula only shows up for night games. The Mummy is always covered in bandages and on the injured list. And King Kong can't keep his mind on the game --- Whenever he sees a pretty woman, he climbs up into the stands after her! At least Frankenstein has been pitching great again, just like when he was young! Yeah, he has a completely new arm!

"Good game."

'Reading, writing and arithmetic are important, son. Someday you might sign autographs for money.'

"Break his third chakra!" "Knock the dharma out of him!"

Missing Persons...'I'm not sure when she disappeared - sometime during the football season.'

What McWit lacks in speed he gains in nose.

"England losing from a penalty shootout again!"

"Let's go watch TV I hear there are bowl games on."

'These goalscoring celebrations are getting out of hand.'

"The Bruins are down a goal. Do me a favor: Pretend you’re a Boston terrier."

"Really? They're now giving out non-participation trophies?"

'At least now the injury worries are over, we can concentrate on slagging off the team.'

I think you're ace

"Now we move over to the sports desk."

'He's got abdominal pain, dizziness and soreness in his extremities. I'll know more when I see X-rays...'

Cricket Accidents.

Political Candidates' Playbook Signals from the sidelines

Perils of the double play.

The Other Cooperstown

'The 'Leviathan Bat,' or many centuried marvel of the modern (cricket) world. (Dr. William Gilbert Grace.)'

Kenny Dalglish

'He's gonna dunk on me. I just know it.'

"You may inflict pain, but it mustn't be severe or prolonged."

'We went generic. The players' salaries are affordable.'

'...However, he is such a heck of a nice guy, we're going to give him the touchdown anyway.'

'And with this one I scored 138 not out...every one off the edge.'

"All those training sessions, seminars and studies... ... to reinforce the reality of womens equality and extirpate any remnants of a deluded belief in male superiority When all we had to do was show them Rachel Daly doing a bicycle kick GASP!"

'At least we don't have to accomplish anything in order to go to a bowl game.'

'And now on the comedy channel Jose Mourinho's latest outburst.'

Baseball Fantasy League Draft. 27 Trout. Everybody wants that rare player who can do it all on their team. Yeah, a player that hits for average and hits for power! Who is also terrific with a glove and has a strong throwing arm. All along with having great speed! Excuse me, I just don't understand it. Why are you always making such a big deal over a five-tool player?!

Centaur Forward

'I got a reverse hat trick. I let three goals in.'

'Why do they call him Neckline Ned.' - 'He's always plunging down the middle but never showing anything.'

7 can't-miss prayers to insure that your team wins.