Little League Player Gifts

'I'm holding out for a $1 million signing bonus, plus product endorsement perks.'

"There will be a winning team and a losing team. Are you OK with that?"

'Son, I want you to get out there and play like I've never played before.'

"Gracie, I'm proud of you. Your team lost, but you tried your best and that's all that counts."

'I hate it when they emulate their major league heroes.'

We encourage the playing of games with other children.

'I was up twice and got one hit, which gives me an lifetime average of 500!'

"We won again, and guess what? A Russian oligarch wants to buy us!"

"Can we fast forward through the 7th inning stretch?"

'Well, Jimmy, it's your turn to go get it.'

"It's her first bench-clearing brawl."

"This is the little league. You can't negotiate a signing bonus"

'I'm the new kid on the team. Where's my signing bonus?'

"Benjamin, we've discovered, is quite gifted at third base."

"Would you knowingly cheat to be better at something just to make millions of dollars? Well would you? Son? ... Son?"

"Coach said I can be catcher if I gain 30 pounds."

'The pain in your eyes is from too much TV. The pain in your arm is from too much base-ball and that other pain is from too much home-work.'

"OK...this season, I'm not taking any fooling around...we must have discipline! We must know the rules! We must respect the other team! But mostly...no yelling at the kids, or the coach!"

'Nice level swing, Billy. Just meet the ball. Don't try to kill it, Billy.'

Sportsmanship

"Did you really just tell me to keep my eye on the ball?"

'A good, but not a grand slam!'

"I play 'backside'. My 'backside' is always sitting on the bench."

'Sixteen home runs, 34 runs batted in, and nine stolen bases. I'd call that being good.'

"We're offering twenty million plus incentives over a four-year period, Mrs. Morton. Can Timmy come out and play?"

'She's a good coach, and the kids seem to like her. But I still think someone should at least run a background check.'

Little League Registration: "Um, I think we're gonna need to see your birth certificate again, son. . ."

"Tyler lost interest in baseball once he tried old-time boxing."

'Next time up, I'm calling my shot: I'm pointing to the catcher's mitt.'

"Would you explain to your son that there's no free agency in T-ball?"

"Okay, Max, your dad is the commissioner, you're at first base. Harry, your parents donated 5 grand to fix the snack bar, you're at shortstop. . ."