Little League Player Pillows

'I'm holding out for a $1 million signing bonus, plus product endorsement perks.'

"There will be a winning team and a losing team. Are you OK with that?"

I love your enthusiasm, girls, but we're not opening a can of whoop-ANYTHING.

'Son, I want you to get out there and play like I've never played before.'

'I hate it when they emulate their major league heroes.'

"Yes! I hit a triple. Woo-hoo."

"Gracie, I'm proud of you. Your team lost, but you tried your best and that's all that counts."

The game is tied, and this is the final inning because the sun is setting. I understand, coach, I need to get home before dark!

We encourage the playing of games with other children.

'I was up twice and got one hit, which gives me an lifetime average of 500!'

"We won again, and guess what? A Russian oligarch wants to buy us!"

'Well, Jimmy, it's your turn to go get it.'

"Can we fast forward through the 7th inning stretch?"

"It's her first bench-clearing brawl."

'I'm the new kid on the team. Where's my signing bonus?'

"This is the little league. You can't negotiate a signing bonus"

"Would you knowingly cheat to be better at something just to make millions of dollars? Well would you? Son? ... Son?"

"OK...this season, I'm not taking any fooling around...we must have discipline! We must know the rules! We must respect the other team! But mostly...no yelling at the kids, or the coach!"

"Coach said I can be catcher if I gain 30 pounds."

'We're doing everything we can to police ourselves on steroids.'

'Nice level swing, Billy. Just meet the ball. Don't try to kill it, Billy.'

'The pain in your eyes is from too much TV. The pain in your arm is from too much base-ball and that other pain is from too much home-work.'

"Benjamin, we've discovered, is quite gifted at third base."

"Did you really just tell me to keep my eye on the ball?"

Sportsmanship

"I play 'backside'. My 'backside' is always sitting on the bench."

'A good, but not a grand slam!'

"We're offering twenty million plus incentives over a four-year period, Mrs. Morton. Can Timmy come out and play?"

'Sixteen home runs, 34 runs batted in, and nine stolen bases. I'd call that being good.'

"Tyler lost interest in baseball once he tried old-time boxing."

'She's a good coach, and the kids seem to like her. But I still think someone should at least run a background check.'

'Next time up, I'm calling my shot: I'm pointing to the catcher's mitt.'

Little League Registration: "Um, I think we're gonna need to see your birth certificate again, son. . ."

Thanks to the amazing new Zap-a-Slacker, parents are able to send a mild electrical current to their daydreamy Little Leaguers.

"Would you explain to your son that there's no free agency in T-ball?"