Little League Parent Gifts

"Your little league coach traded you?"

I love your enthusiasm, girls, but we're not opening a can of whoop-ANYTHING.

'The only thing exciting about these games is our dads fighting with the umpire.'

'We just figured that with the kids travelling so much for soccer, it made more sense to sell our house and get an RV.'

"We won again, and guess what? A Russian oligarch wants to buy us!"

Mrs. Tree? A hockey ball hit your daughter. It's likely just a bad bruise. Whew! Though there could be a fracture, nerve damage or fatal blood clots. What? Don't worry. Our medical advisor is evaluating Twig right now. Can you sign this liability waiver? Her hand seems fine. Team lawyer.

'Well, Jimmy, it's your turn to go get it.'

"It's her first bench-clearing brawl."

'I'm the new kid on the team. Where's my signing bonus?'

'Nice level swing, Billy. Just meet the ball. Don't try to kill it, Billy.'

"Benjamin, we've discovered, is quite gifted at third base."

'We're doing everything we can to police ourselves on steroids.'

"Would you knowingly cheat to be better at something just to make millions of dollars? Well would you? Son? ... Son?"

"OK...this season, I'm not taking any fooling around...we must have discipline! We must know the rules! We must respect the other team! But mostly...no yelling at the kids, or the coach!"

'The pain in your eyes is from too much TV. The pain in your arm is from too much base-ball and that other pain is from too much home-work.'

Sportsmanship

'And then Mindy had the nerve to call me a 'helicopter mom.' Me? In this wonderful jetpack! As if!'

'Wow! Feel that kick! I'm buying him a football for his first birthday!'

"Go join your coach and the rest of your team. I'll be watching from the bar."

'A good, but not a grand slam!'

'Sixteen home runs, 34 runs batted in, and nine stolen bases. I'd call that being good.'

"We're offering twenty million plus incentives over a four-year period, Mrs. Morton. Can Timmy come out and play?"

Little League Registration: "Um, I think we're gonna need to see your birth certificate again, son. . ."

It's just a bad bruise. Field hockey balls can do damage. We'll have the doctor take a quick look. Quick?! It's rush hour! We're moving fine. Just wait. It's the 4:45 pm fall sports traffic jam. Next # 147. The doctors are: In out in in.

'She's a good coach, and the kids seem to like her. But I still think someone should at least run a background check.'

'Next time up, I'm calling my shot: I'm pointing to the catcher's mitt.'

Thanks to the amazing new Zap-a-Slacker, parents are able to send a mild electrical current to their daydreamy Little Leaguers.

"Would you explain to your son that there's no free agency in T-ball?"

"I am standing up straight."

"So your soccer team lost...big deal! I lose things all the time!"

'These are my rookie cards.'

Knocked it out of the park

"This is the fist time I've ever seen a tech support number of a soccer ball."

Thank you for not flying into a rage and pummeling the ref!!

'Of course I bailed you out - you've got soccer tonight.'