Little League Superstar Gifts

'Nice level swing, Billy. Just meet the ball. Don't try to kill it, Billy.'

"There will be a winning team and a losing team. Are you OK with that?"

"I wanted to be a baseball player 'til I found out they send you to the showers."

I love your enthusiasm, girls, but we're not opening a can of whoop-ANYTHING.

'Son, I want you to get out there and play like I've never played before.'

'I hate it when they emulate their major league heroes.'

"Yes! I hit a triple. Woo-hoo."

The game is tied, and this is the final inning because the sun is setting. I understand, coach, I need to get home before dark!

We encourage the playing of games with other children.

'I was up twice and got one hit, which gives me an lifetime average of 500!'

"We won again, and guess what? A Russian oligarch wants to buy us!"

Brownie Points

"Can we fast forward through the 7th inning stretch?"

'Well, Jimmy, it's your turn to go get it.'

"It's her first bench-clearing brawl."

"Would you knowingly cheat to be better at something just to make millions of dollars? Well would you? Son? ... Son?"

"Coach said I can be catcher if I gain 30 pounds."

'The pain in your eyes is from too much TV. The pain in your arm is from too much base-ball and that other pain is from too much home-work.'

'We're doing everything we can to police ourselves on steroids.'

"Benjamin, we've discovered, is quite gifted at third base."

"Did you really just tell me to keep my eye on the ball?"

Sportsmanship

'Kid, go out there and play like you're worth 29 million plus signing bonus, buyouts, and endorsement deals. '

Later accounts would call it the Greatest Water Battle of All Time,

"I play 'backside'. My 'backside' is always sitting on the bench."

'Sixteen home runs, 34 runs batted in, and nine stolen bases. I'd call that being good.'

"Tyler lost interest in baseball once he tried old-time boxing."

'She's a good coach, and the kids seem to like her. But I still think someone should at least run a background check.'

Little League Registration: "Um, I think we're gonna need to see your birth certificate again, son. . ."

'Next time up, I'm calling my shot: I'm pointing to the catcher's mitt.'

"Would you explain to your son that there's no free agency in T-ball?"

Thanks to the amazing new Zap-a-Slacker, parents are able to send a mild electrical current to their daydreamy Little Leaguers.

"Okay, Max, your dad is the commissioner, you're at first base. Harry, your parents donated 5 grand to fix the snack bar, you're at shortstop. . ."

'Are you the person I see about getting a sign-up bonus and a salary?'

'Sorry, coach, but all of the bases are loaded.'