Kitchen Sceptic Gifts

"No, dear. This meal isn't undercooked, you just haven't burnt it, for a change."

'I couldn't stand the heat, so I got out of the kitchen.'

"That's our house, that's Mommy going to work, and that's you, staring out the window, wondering where it all went wrong."

'We must be 50,000 calories away from home by now.'

"Milk, butter, bread - all past the expiration date. either he just hadn't noticed before, or his time machine worked."

"The meatloaf just tapped S.O.S. in Morse code."

'The second diet of my diet is always the easiest. By then, I'm off my diet.'

Grandma's caf

"Bob takes everything with a grain of salt...and pepper...and garlic..."

The Origins of Everything

'Muriel's philosophy is that what happens in the kitchen, stays in the kitchen.'

"I hope you're not using any of the canned food I so diligently stockpiled.

Doctor uses thermometer to check chicken.

'Anybody for breakfast?'

'Do you call this spaghetti'

"I just don't want to be 'that' waffle."

'As far as we know, no one who has eaten our genetically-modified food has turned into a creature or anything.'

"Honey, close the fridge door while you're thinking!"

"It was meant to be a surprise romantic dinner for two, but to cut a long story short, it's been a recipe for disaster."

"We need a new stove. This one's beginning to burn oil."

Oil Spill: 'Oh dear! That was the last of our extra virgin.'

'Most, yes, but they're not all carcinogenic!'

"It's natural, vegan organic, no additives, preservatives or cooking."

'What we were about to receive has gone the way of all flesh.'

He wouldn't be calling the kettle that again.

Armstrong, an unmarked truck just delivered a pallet of mystery meat. Turkey. It doesn't look like turkey. It looks more like some sort of dehydrated pigeon. What's it matter? If we slap it in a sandwich, smother it in "gravy," and label it "turkey," customers won't know the difference. Wait, did you just think quotes around the word gravy? "no."

"I've been a chef for far too long...."

"I was supposed to rinse them first? So, you're telling me somebody designed a machine to wash dishes, but we're supposed to make sure we wash the dishes before we put them in the machine?"

"No, we don't have field to plate provenance for each bean."

'Hey, Frenchie - you call this paupiettes de beouf aux legumes?'

'Leeks can disappoint you and garlic will break your heart, but only onions make you cry.'

"Tonight's specials include beef wellington (long regarded as a major source of cholesterol and saturated fat), Cajun-style swordfish (suspected of containing PCBs and toxic metals), and chicken teriyaki (recent increase in the incidence of salmonella whi

'I'd like to be fed intravenously. I've heard about your hospital food!'

'Mom, am I store-bought or homemade?'

Grocery Store - Warning: Contents may be hazardous to your health