Kitchenware Skeptic Gifts

Completely Useless Kitchen Appliances

"I now pronounce you a partial place setting."

'As far as we know, no one who has eaten our genetically-modified food has turned into a creature or anything.'

"It's natural, vegan organic, no additives, preservatives or cooking."

"It's all about compromise. He's not dishwasher safe and I'm not microwave safe, but we make it work."

Armstrong, an unmarked truck just delivered a pallet of mystery meat. Turkey. It doesn't look like turkey. It looks more like some sort of dehydrated pigeon. What's it matter? If we slap it in a sandwich, smother it in "gravy," and label it "turkey," customers won't know the difference. Wait, did you just think quotes around the word gravy? "no."

"Tonight's specials include beef wellington (long regarded as a major source of cholesterol and saturated fat), Cajun-style swordfish (suspected of containing PCBs and toxic metals), and chicken teriyaki (recent increase in the incidence of salmonella whi

'I'd like to be fed intravenously. I've heard about your hospital food!'

'This old VCR warms a mean bagel.'

Origin of the 'spork'

'At least we don't have to worry about getting those as gifts.'

"I'll get the onion soup... it's the only thing on the menu that I don't know why it's bad for me!"

"Sure, pal, whatever you say. Ha ha! The salmon is fresh."

The History of Anti-stick

Flatware Follies.

"He spends most of his time outside. I have to force him to come in and play with something electronic."

'This restaurant has got zero stars, right? Every single one of them is well deserved.'

'You've got to be kidding...you mean there's a recipe for this?'

'Your trouble is that you don't appreciate good food.'

'I'll swap you my Wimbledon freebies for your Anodised pan set!'

A spoon you can run away with, but a spork is the kind of practical utensil you marry.

"It's not fair that ice cream melts, but broccoli doesn't."

Teapot

'This soup must be loaded with additives. The label says that 'frequent use of this product requires periodic liver function tests'.'

"The chef said all the regular stuff is as special as it's going to get today."

"No, dear. This meal isn't undercooked, you just haven't burnt it, for a change."

'If I were you I wouldn't eat this on an empty stomach.'

How to dress for forty below...if you're over forty, or under twenty.

'You can dish it out, but you just can't take it.'

"They ran out of carrots."

"I didn't say I don't like it - I simply asked which of my enemies gave you the recipe."

Tea and Coffee

'It's intimidating that you don't decorate your office.'

"Wise up. You and me do not make a ferret craze."

Lockdown Day 45: "From now on we eat food that doesn't require utensils!"