Kitchen Skeptic Gifts

"That's funny, dear! I was just thinking about your stew from yesterday!"

'This soup must be loaded with additives. The label says that 'frequent use of this product requires periodic liver function tests'.'

'You've got to be kidding...you mean there's a recipe for this?'

Well, dear, if this is 'just what the doctor ordered', let HIM eat it!

"A new saucepan! Why, how thoughtless of you, dear."

"I didn't say I don't like it - I simply asked which of my enemies gave you the recipe."

'I couldn't stand the heat, so I got out of the kitchen.'

'We must be 50,000 calories away from home by now.'

"That's our house, that's Mommy going to work, and that's you, staring out the window, wondering where it all went wrong."

"Milk, butter, bread - all past the expiration date. either he just hadn't noticed before, or his time machine worked."

"The meatloaf just tapped S.O.S. in Morse code."

'The second diet of my diet is always the easiest. By then, I'm off my diet.'

The Origins of Everything

"Bob takes everything with a grain of salt...and pepper...and garlic..."

'Muriel's philosophy is that what happens in the kitchen, stays in the kitchen.'

"Please don't kill me."

"I just don't want to be 'that' waffle."

Doctor uses thermometer to check chicken.

'Anybody for breakfast?'

'As far as we know, no one who has eaten our genetically-modified food has turned into a creature or anything.'

"It was meant to be a surprise romantic dinner for two, but to cut a long story short, it's been a recipe for disaster."

Oil Spill: 'Oh dear! That was the last of our extra virgin.'

"Honey, close the fridge door while you're thinking!"

"We need a new stove. This one's beginning to burn oil."

"It's natural, vegan organic, no additives, preservatives or cooking."

'Most, yes, but they're not all carcinogenic!'

'Ah, Garbanzo, truly you are a noble bean.'

He wouldn't be calling the kettle that again.

"I've been a chef for far too long...."

'Hey, Frenchie - you call this paupiettes de beouf aux legumes?'

'Leeks can disappoint you and garlic will break your heart, but only onions make you cry.'

"I was supposed to rinse them first? So, you're telling me somebody designed a machine to wash dishes, but we're supposed to make sure we wash the dishes before we put them in the machine?"

'What we were about to receive has gone the way of all flesh.'

Armstrong, an unmarked truck just delivered a pallet of mystery meat. Turkey. It doesn't look like turkey. It looks more like some sort of dehydrated pigeon. What's it matter? If we slap it in a sandwich, smother it in "gravy," and label it "turkey," customers won't know the difference. Wait, did you just think quotes around the word gravy? "no."

"No, we don't have field to plate provenance for each bean."