Gourmet Skeptic Gifts

"Tonight's specials include beef wellington (long regarded as a major source of cholesterol and saturated fat), Cajun-style swordfish (suspected of containing PCBs and toxic metals), and chicken teriyaki (recent increase in the incidence of salmonella whi

'I'd like to be fed intravenously. I've heard about your hospital food!'

"It's natural, vegan organic, no additives, preservatives or cooking."

"The chef said all the regular stuff is as special as it's going to get today."

'Your trouble is that you don't appreciate good food.'

"I was with you right up to the cumin."

"I cook the sausages in French mineral water, I wear a French beret and I can call you 'Monsieur'."

"I come here for the pepper."

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

"Keep your glasses on. It will look like twice as much."

'I'm sorry, sir, but it's hats off for the Chef's Special!'

"And exactly how is the peanut-butter-and-jelly prepared?"

"We'd like the roasted homework for two. And fetch us a bottle of your finest toilet water."

"The food here is excellent- what time is breakfast?"

"Yes, he is a celebrity chef, but he doesn't have any opinions on Iraq."

"Waiter... my entrée fell over."

Join me for dinner?

Haute Chinese

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

Avocado Timeline

'As far as we know, no one who has eaten our genetically-modified food has turned into a creature or anything.'

Man with a 'menu', woman with a 'womenu'.

'Our guest tonight certainly needs no introduction.'

'Pass the grey stuff.'

"When you said, 'Let's go out for dinner,' I thought you meant foraging. This is much better!"

Cut out and keep your own Chef

"You see, I don't believe in eating fast. I believe in savoring. I....hey, stop looking at my food!"

'Good thing you ordered a double portion.'

'You want to eat out tonight? -- What if we get addicted to good food?'

"Sorry about the delay, sir. The manager is interviewing chefs at this very moment."

"Whatever is quickest - I'm starving!"

A restaurant with a "Main Dining Room" and a "Room for Dessert".

"Pinot Noir, God's apology for White Zinfandel."

'It's an acquired taste!'

"And it was at the moment I realized that the only thing holding me back from culinary excellence was a bucket-load of butter."