Gourmet Skeptic Gifts

"Tonight's specials include beef wellington (long regarded as a major source of cholesterol and saturated fat), Cajun-style swordfish (suspected of containing PCBs and toxic metals), and chicken teriyaki (recent increase in the incidence of salmonella whi

'I'd like to be fed intravenously. I've heard about your hospital food!'

"It's natural, vegan organic, no additives, preservatives or cooking."

"The chef said all the regular stuff is as special as it's going to get today."

'Your trouble is that you don't appreciate good food.'

"I was with you right up to the cumin."

"I come here for the pepper."

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

"Keep your glasses on. It will look like twice as much."

"I cook the sausages in French mineral water, I wear a French beret and I can call you 'Monsieur'."

"And exactly how is the peanut-butter-and-jelly prepared?"

'I'm sorry, sir, but it's hats off for the Chef's Special!'

"We'd like the roasted homework for two. And fetch us a bottle of your finest toilet water."

"The food here is excellent- what time is breakfast?"

Haute Chinese

"Yes, he is a celebrity chef, but he doesn't have any opinions on Iraq."

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

"Waiter... my entrée fell over."

I told you I got us the best table in the house. Pizza.

Join me for dinner?

Avocado Timeline

Man with a 'menu', woman with a 'womenu'.

'As far as we know, no one who has eaten our genetically-modified food has turned into a creature or anything.'

'Our guest tonight certainly needs no introduction.'

Cut out and keep your own Chef

"Sorry about the delay, sir. The manager is interviewing chefs at this very moment."

'Pass the grey stuff.'

'You want to eat out tonight? -- What if we get addicted to good food?'

'Good thing you ordered a double portion.'

"When you said, 'Let's go out for dinner,' I thought you meant foraging. This is much better!"

"You see, I don't believe in eating fast. I believe in savoring. I....hey, stop looking at my food!"

"Whatever is quickest - I'm starving!"

"Pinot Noir, God's apology for White Zinfandel."

A restaurant with a "Main Dining Room" and a "Room for Dessert".

"And it was at the moment I realized that the only thing holding me back from culinary excellence was a bucket-load of butter."