Gourmet Critic Gifts

"I was with you right up to the cumin."

'How gauche! Serving oyster crackers with clam chowder.'

'I'm sure there's horse meat in these burgers...They're giving me the trots!'

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

"Just bring me something that's going to look good on social media."

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

We're here at House of Java cafe at an all-too-familiar scene. House of Java.net Cybercafe. Tommy Jones, a local boy, has been caught stealing a scone. A minor offense? Not to the cafe's proprietor. He's demanding the boy be sentenced as an adult. But I'm eight! Wahhh! Add a year to the sentence for whining and crying.

"The chef is going to need more than just your ‘compliments’ tonight … he’s in one of his moods."

"Vintage? What would you like it to be?"

"This place is one of New York's best-kept secrets."

"When I was your age. I was really smelly."

"You'll love this. It's swarthy yet munificent, didactic and gregarious with hints of dogma."

Cow's Last Will and Testament.

'Oh, and I suppose I'm the only one who's ever heard it's a 'dog eat dog world'?'

6 Brothers Falafel

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

"You said the cauliflower is locally grown – would you elaborate?"

"Yo, Cézanne, paint faster. I need those grapes for the Madeira sauce."

"I have no idea what, hic, went wrong. I did everything, hic, Mario Batali said."

'Why, of course I remember our first date -- I had filet mignon, potatoes au gratin, sauteed....'

Self Service Restaurant: 'Where do you keep the eggs?'

Newton discovers gravity and apple sauce in the same day.

#Thanksgiving #Nofilter

View to the Future

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

"Maybe if we added some pumpkin spice?"

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."

"You say your crème needs more Brulée?"

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

"Rump roast?"

"War is hell and so is this soup."

"Something's wrong with the broccoli. Please take it back to the kitchen and have it genetically modified."

'Wait until you taste the artisanal water. It's not to be believed.'

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."