Food Skeptic Gifts

Grocery Store - Warning: Contents may be hazardous to your health

You can't just claim your scones may reduce risk of heart attack. Why not? Tons of food makers do it. You just have to find a scientific authority to back you up. And that's what you did. Darn right. Don't wake up if the oatmeal may cure blindness. Dr. Nutrition. Zzzz.

'Funny things carbohydrates - you can't see them, yet they terrify my mother.'

"A recent government study has concluded that toast and marmalade may be hazardous to human health."

"All right, let's admit genetically-modified foods will have an effect on people. It's fifty-fifty it'll be a good effect."

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

"Please don't kill me."

"He says that when he had a vegetable salad as an appetizer, he can now have burgers, pizza and Coke as a reward."

Fountain of Youth/Fountain of Bacon

I used to eat plenty of natural foods, but then I found out that most people die of natural causes.

I read an article about the health benefits of dark chocolate so I make sure all the donuts I eat are covered with dark chocolate.

"I'd hold off on the peking duck another five minutes...the show's almost over."

"What do you have that won't kill me?"

"Mummy said dinner was brussels sprouts tonight. What about we drop by the park and see if the old man sitting on the bench can feed us instead?"

'Cut down on sodium? I'm taking that with a pinch of salt.'

Gullib-Os

'As far as we know, no one who has eaten our genetically-modified food has turned into a creature or anything.'

Fishing rod coming out of a health farm towards a hot dog stand.

Now all meals contain 'Enzymate' for fast digestion.'

'Apparently the nutrients and the additives cancel each other out.'

'I'm death for goodness sake - why do I have to adopt a more healthy lifestyle?'

"It's natural, vegan organic, no additives, preservatives or cooking."

"I don't usually like green food, but that looks pretty good."

'And since this product consists of 100% artificial ingredients, we can truthfully say it's vegan!'

Milk Toast: One of the World's Most Deadly Foods!

Armstrong, an unmarked truck just delivered a pallet of mystery meat. Turkey. It doesn't look like turkey. It looks more like some sort of dehydrated pigeon. What's it matter? If we slap it in a sandwich, smother it in "gravy," and label it "turkey," customers won't know the difference. Wait, did you just think quotes around the word gravy? "no."

"I guess that pretty well debunks the fruits and vegetables are good for you myth."

"No, we don't have field to plate provenance for each bean."

"Here there is all the bacon, pizza and beer you could desire. But do not eat from the Tree of Tofu lest you should lose paradise."

"I enjoy eating healthy – I just don’t like the food."

"Tonight's specials include beef wellington (long regarded as a major source of cholesterol and saturated fat), Cajun-style swordfish (suspected of containing PCBs and toxic metals), and chicken teriyaki (recent increase in the incidence of salmonella whi

"Sorry, I can't tell your parents you're allergic to broccoli."

'I'd like to be fed intravenously. I've heard about your hospital food!'

Error in low-fat pizza design.