Health Food Skeptic Gifts

Fountain of Youth/Fountain of Bacon

"Can I substitute saltwater taffy for the five servings of seafood?"

Gullib-Os

"Everything is fat-free. So why am I still fat?"

'I just read the food label. That's why I decided to eat the package instead.'

"I feel ill Mum. I think it's the pesticides in the vegetables...have to eat burgers and pizzas."

'Eating several servings of vegetables everyday is very good, as long as they aren't just pizza toppings.'

I used to eat plenty of natural foods, but then I found out that most people die of natural causes.

'Nutricious? You know I hate nutritious stuff!'

'I'm death for goodness sake - why do I have to adopt a more healthy lifestyle?'

'One serving provides you with your minimum yearly requirement of sugar.'

'Boy! Did I get some bad news today! I found out french fries is a veg'table!'

"No, Harry, shaking ketchup on your burger and chips twice a day cannot be counted as exercise."

'Apparently the nutrients and the additives cancel each other out.'

'Don't you have any vegetables or fruits, ma?'

'And since this product consists of 100% artificial ingredients, we can truthfully say it's vegan!'

"What's healthy about breakfast cereals?"

"Well sir, Sue here from the lab figures if we take a metal flask like this and vacuum it empty we can market the contents as a completely chemical free food additive!"

"Yeech! The doctor ordered this? Then let him eat it!"

"I guess that pretty well debunks the fruits and vegetables are good for you myth."

"I'm a meat and potatoes guy in a kale and tofu world."

"We used to think sugar and spice were all things nice - until that was proved to be a lie put out by global food manufacturers."

"Sorry, but the box does taste better."

"No snails for me. I prefer fast food."

The It Tastes Like Cr*p Because Its Healthy Cafe

"Here there is all the bacon, pizza and beer you could desire. But do not eat from the Tree of Tofu lest you should lose paradise."

"Well you did say you wanted something gluten, sugar, fat, additives and calorie free."

"I say it's government-mandated broccoli, and I say the hell with it."

"I enjoy eating healthy – I just don’t like the food."

"Is this because I didn’t eat my kale?"

"He says that when he had a vegetable salad as an appetizer, he can now have burgers, pizza and Coke as a reward."

"Dear Santa, Enjoy the fat-free cookies, although you don't strike me as health-conscious."

"Sure doc, I can eat healthy tasteless food and exercise until my lungs implode. Or, you can just inject some drain cleaner into my eyeball and save us both a lot of time and trouble."

'Herman, bran is your friend.'

"If this food is healthy, then what about the rest of the store?"