Health Food Critics Gifts

"You got anything that doesn't have green tea in it?"

'This is from our diet menu. We replaced the starchy bun with two deep fried fish filets!'

'...Sodium phosphate, di-glycerides, BHT. Warning: The Surgeon General has determined that eating is dangerous to your health.'

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

"Bob takes everything with a grain of salt...and pepper...and garlic..."

'I'm from P.E.T.A.. Are you the one who called about animal-rights abuses?'

"He says that when he had a vegetable salad as an appetizer, he can now have burgers, pizza and Coke as a reward."

Fountain of Youth/Fountain of Bacon

I used to eat plenty of natural foods, but then I found out that most people die of natural causes.

'The Specials are the same as the Main Menu dishes, but with more florid descriptions.'

"For the first half hour, I was, like, really there. Enchanted. But I found the wild-quail confit so disappointing that not even the fig reduction on the poached pear could get me back."

"Look out, Luke Grasswalker! Irascibility leads to the dark side of the force. . . right into a hamburger bun."

Gullib-Os

'Waiter, I think my wife's calamari is underdone.'

'Come on, eat your spinach.' -' Sorry, I'm on a special diet...No toxic waste.'

'I just evolved the opposable thumb, and I've already got carpal-tunnel syndrome!'

"Lumpy? Of course it's lumpy! Sweetbread soup is meant to be lumpy."

Heart Disease Menu

'Apparently the nutrients and the additives cancel each other out.'

'As if school lunches weren't bad enough. Now, they have to be nutritious!'

Sawdust.

"They're doing wonderful things with food I hate."

'I'm death for goodness sake - why do I have to adopt a more healthy lifestyle?'

"Here there is all the bacon, pizza and beer you could desire. But do not eat from the Tree of Tofu lest you should lose paradise."

"I guess that pretty well debunks the fruits and vegetables are good for you myth."

'And since this product consists of 100% artificial ingredients, we can truthfully say it's vegan!'

"I enjoy eating healthy – I just don’t like the food."

"Everywhere you look, there's a rate hike."

'Eating several servings of vegetables everyday is very good, as long as they aren't just pizza toppings.'

'There's nothing good to eat!'

'Bananas! Once you've skinned them and removed the bone, there's nothing left.'

'We believe it was at THIS point that the species became extinct.'

'Organically-grown popcorn? Give me a break!'

"Is this because I didn’t eat my kale?"

"The Garlic Escargot Velouté...would you like that in the traditional tureen, or supersized in a bucket?"