Health Food Cynic Gifts

"Tasty and nutritious? Any five year old knows that's a contradiction in terms."

I'd like to take this menu and shove it where the sun don't shine. But I'll settle for the omelette & hash browns...

"Bob takes everything with a grain of salt...and pepper...and garlic..."

"He says that when he had a vegetable salad as an appetizer, he can now have burgers, pizza and Coke as a reward."

Fountain of Youth/Fountain of Bacon

I used to eat plenty of natural foods, but then I found out that most people die of natural causes.

Leftovers restaurant - for that unpretentious dining.

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

Gullib-Os

'The customer is always right...'

The Nihilist Deli.

'Apparently the nutrients and the additives cancel each other out.'

'I'm an extremely general practitioner.'

'I'm death for goodness sake - why do I have to adopt a more healthy lifestyle?'

"Fortunately I hold the patent for the gene that's causing the ringing in your ears, and I can refer you to the doctor who holds the patent for the gene that's causing the pain in your ears."

"I guess that pretty well debunks the fruits and vegetables are good for you myth."

"Just to be on the safe side, I'd like to start an aggressive course of billing you."

'Good news and bad... Medical science can't cure you, but we have some marvelous support groups.'

"Here there is all the bacon, pizza and beer you could desire. But do not eat from the Tree of Tofu lest you should lose paradise."

"I enjoy eating healthy – I just don’t like the food."

'And since this product consists of 100% artificial ingredients, we can truthfully say it's vegan!'

Food Pyramid

'I don't eat organic foods. At my age I can use all the preservatives I can get.'

'Eating several servings of vegetables everyday is very good, as long as they aren't just pizza toppings.'

Grocery Store - Warning: Contents may be hazardous to your health

'Well we could operate. That would give you something to talk about. But that would get old quick, and them you'd be even more boring.' Why the dull rarely seek help.

Motor-blender.

'Organically-grown popcorn? Give me a break!'

'You'll be happy to know there's nothing wrong with you. That will be four thousand, three hundred and eighty two dollars.'

'They're building one of those new health clubs.'

"Is this because I didn’t eat my kale?"

"Can I substitute saltwater taffy for the five servings of seafood?"

"Listen Matt, me and the boys think you might be overdoing this Paleo diet thing!"

"Oh, I do a little grass on occasion, but I avoid the heavy cruciferous greens."

"What's healthy about breakfast cereals?"