Food Criticism Gifts

"They're doing wonderful things with food I hate."

'There's nothing good to eat!'

'My backhanded compliments to the chef.'

'When I said you should complain about your steak I didn't mean whining about it on twitter.'

'Did monsieur enjoy the meal?' - 'I could get more nourishment biting my lip.'

'Has anyone ever told you that you have really bad broth?'

"I'm a well known food critic, but I've never been able to turn it into cash."

"Lumpy? Of course it's lumpy! Sweetbread soup is meant to be lumpy."

"I'm afraid you can't speak to the Chef at the moment, sir. He's out, buying you a, 'get well soon' card."

"He's one of the few genuine food critics left....he still fills his pen with Spanish squid ink."

"Waiter! There's something in my soup!"

"Bob takes everything with a grain of salt...and pepper...and garlic..."

"Do you mind if I give you feedback?"

'What miserable little eggs.' - 'I should have let the chickens sit on them a bit longer.'

"For the first half hour, I was, like, really there. Enchanted. But I found the wild-quail confit so disappointing that not even the fig reduction on the poached pear could get me back."

'Then again, it's really not that bad.'

Bar None

'I'm from P.E.T.A.. Are you the one who called about animal-rights abuses?'

'The Specials are the same as the Main Menu dishes, but with more florid descriptions.'

'It's called Les Restes. It's French for leftovers.'

Master Chef

You call this "berry-flavored"? Children's FDA.

So what's your back story? What do you do? Marketing. Downtown. House of Java.net Cybercafe. I'm an investor in The Infant Restaurant Critic. Heard of it? A baby goes to a restaurants and cafes and tried their food. If he likes it, the eatery gets a glowing online review. If not, curtains! I'm an investor. I'm on the ground floor! Did you only ask about me so you could then talk about yourself? I hear you. You're asking about me. Don't know what's worse: Men, high-tech investors, or the combinat

". . . Artificial flavoring, synthesized fruit, imitation chocolate bits, and the box is simulated cardboard."

"Are you suggesting that the rest of the menu isn’t special?"

"One of our greatest minds in restaurant criticism."

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

"Just bring me something that's going to look good on social media."

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

We're here at House of Java cafe at an all-too-familiar scene. House of Java.net Cybercafe. Tommy Jones, a local boy, has been caught stealing a scone. A minor offense? Not to the cafe's proprietor. He's demanding the boy be sentenced as an adult. But I'm eight! Wahhh! Add a year to the sentence for whining and crying.

"This place is one of New York's best-kept secrets."

"When I was your age. I was really smelly."

Cow's Last Will and Testament.

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

"You said the cauliflower is locally grown – would you elaborate?"