Health-conscious Skeptic Gifts

"I lost a fortune in the market but I thought I had my health."

The company made me cut out smoking, booze and red meat, so I asked myself, what am I working for?

"You don't think I'm cheating on my special, low-carb diet, do you?"

Breakfast of champions

'Personally I take all these programmes with a pinch of salt.'

'Is there another doctor in the house? He wants a second opinion.'

"Nice try, Jim, but there's no such thing as a 'Beer cleanse'."

"He says that when he had a vegetable salad as an appetizer, he can now have burgers, pizza and Coke as a reward."

"I've had a lot of exercise today! I jumped to several conclusions, ran my mouth on the phone, and I just cycled through 500 cable channels!"

Fountain of Youth/Fountain of Bacon

I used to eat plenty of natural foods, but then I found out that most people die of natural causes.

Safety Barriers

"What do you have that won't kill me?"

'Cut down on sodium? I'm taking that with a pinch of salt.'

Gullib-Os

"They say that 'laughter is the best medicine', which is great because your health plan doesn't cover the real stuff!"

"My blood type...it's the type that doesn't like to exercise."

'There's nothing wrong with him-just delusions of glandular.'

'Frank, leak to the tabloids that these slow moving broccoli flakes cure cancer.'

'Apparently the nutrients and the additives cancel each other out.'

And this model comes with a fitness tracker.

"He's so anti-regulation he won't even take a laxative."

"I thought I'd give Western medicine one more chance."

'Where exactly did you get this 'Lifestyle Guru' from?'

'Look, half the work is done! All you need to do is fill in the top part so we can legally say the bottom part.'

I'm going to switch you to a new medication that does more advertising.

'I'm death for goodness sake - why do I have to adopt a more healthy lifestyle?'

'And since this product consists of 100% artificial ingredients, we can truthfully say it's vegan!'

"Whoa! Now I remember. This was one of the possible side effects on the label."

"I guess that pretty well debunks the fruits and vegetables are good for you myth."

The council wanted us to have a Healthy Lifestyle Monitor

"Wellness clinics, stress-management checkups, hypertension screenings, lab tests, crisis after crisis. Fibre foods, fish-oil capsules, unsaturated spreads, plaque. Say what they may, McCormack, we did it our way."

'According to Dr Alvin McDowell, everything that was good for you is now bad for you!'

"It turns out our health plan does cover eyeglasses."

"Here there is all the bacon, pizza and beer you could desire. But do not eat from the Tree of Tofu lest you should lose paradise."