Health Skeptics Gifts

'Cellulite begone!'

"If exercise is so good for you, how come athletes retire at 35?"

"I hate my gym."

"Wellness clinics, stress-management checkups, hypertension screenings, lab tests, crisis after crisis. Fibre foods, fish-oil capsules, unsaturated spreads, plaque. Say what they may, McCormack, we did it our way."

"Then it struck me - nobody originally on the Paleo Diet lived past 35."

Gypsy wanting to tell the fortune of a man who is smoking and drinking

Most common side effects...

Fat And Grouchy

'With my diet program, you can start losing weight right now - give me all your money!'

'It's just a recliner with built-in heart rate monitor. But look at how many big inflatable balls are sold as exercise equipment.'

'Well you were warned about the dangers of sedentary lifestyle.'

"It's the new low-cost lap-banding."

'Personally I take all these programmes with a pinch of salt.'

'Is there another doctor in the house? He wants a second opinion.'

"Nice try, Jim, but there's no such thing as a 'Beer cleanse'."

'Incidentally, our health insurance has limited eye coverage.'

Safety Barriers

"They say that 'laughter is the best medicine', which is great because your health plan doesn't cover the real stuff!"

"My blood type...it's the type that doesn't like to exercise."

'There's nothing wrong with him-just delusions of glandular.'

"I thought I'd give Western medicine one more chance."

'Frank, leak to the tabloids that these slow moving broccoli flakes cure cancer.'

"He's so anti-regulation he won't even take a laxative."

'Where exactly did you get this 'Lifestyle Guru' from?'

'Look, half the work is done! All you need to do is fill in the top part so we can legally say the bottom part.'

I'm going to switch you to a new medication that does more advertising.

"It turns out our health plan does cover eyeglasses."

'According to Dr Alvin McDowell, everything that was good for you is now bad for you!'

"Whoa! Now I remember. This was one of the possible side effects on the label."

The council wanted us to have a Healthy Lifestyle Monitor

"Are you sure you don't want to try just one miracle drug before you die?"

'Extreme acupuncture.'

"Tarzan hate frivolous lawsuits."

'Your employer's health plan automatically cancels your coverage once you get sick.'

Toilet roll beauty tips.