Healthcare Skeptic Gifts

"Bad dog! What'd I say about relying on the Internet for medical advice?"

"This patient has a rare form of medical insurance."

'...Okay, just a few more items to add to your EHR. I appreciate your patience...'

"This will buy you four months.

"Our integrated approach to medicine skillfully combines an array of holistic alternative treatments with a sophisticated computerized billing service."

TRUST: 'Are you telling me that none of you knows what it means?'

'Rooms are $200 a day. Did you want nurses. . .? Bed. . .? Sheets. . .?'

"I've searched every book, also the Internet, so in desperation...I've come to you, doctor!"

'This second prescription is to calm you down after you see the cost of the first one.'

'Your medical problems are more complicated than I thought. I am going to refer you to another doctor, who has more medical insurance than I have.'

Some other drugs you may enjoy.

"4 out of 5 doctors recommend you ask your financial planner if this drug is right for you."

I'm going to switch you to a new medication that does more advertising.

A Con-artist offering brain scans to the public from his flatbed scanner.

Doctor reads 'Anecdotal Evidence'

'Are you aware of the penalty for insurance fraud?'

"Your medical insurance doesn't cover 'Acts of God' like illness"

'I'm not really sure what it is but five or six thousand dollars of tests should help me figure it out.'

"Nothing to worry about, I just need to make a small incision to..."

'First they stab you in the back, then they cut your affordable healthcare. . . it's the American way!'

Government spin doctors consult Enron accountants over figures.

'Test my reflexes? - you're going to try and nick my wallet, aren't you?'

'If I cancel an hour before my appointment, you charge me. I've just waited an hour past my appointment time in your waiting room. This is my bill.'

Mario's Discount Nose Jobs

"Your test results came back but due to privacy regulations I can't tell you anything."

"They say that 'laughter is the best medicine', which is great because your health plan doesn't cover the real stuff!"

'I knew the government would screw up health care reform. They passed it.'

Health care reform mill.

'Since we couldn't afford health care insurance, we induced labor in our car so our auto insurance would cover any maternity costs.'

In those four out of five doctors' commercials, I'm the fifth doctor.

'Do HMO's really give you extra benefits?' 'Sure †they add insult to injury.'

"Are you sure you don't want to try just one miracle drug before you die?"

'It's bad news, but for a small fee we can make it sound like good news.'

Small businesses 'turning noses up' at having to buy health insurance

"Yes, we could call in that prescription, but without an office visit, what's in it for us?"