Modern Healthcare Skeptic Gifts

This is Umpopa, a witch doctor - he says he knows how to shrink hemorrhoids.

'Personally I take all these programmes with a pinch of salt.'

'Is there another doctor in the house? He wants a second opinion.'

"Nice try, Jim, but there's no such thing as a 'Beer cleanse'."

"Your test results are in...now the interpretations can begin."

'Incidentally, our health insurance has limited eye coverage.'

"Get another opinion if you wish, Mr. Von Flip...But I'm confident it will still come up ' heads - we operate.'"

"They say that 'laughter is the best medicine', which is great because your health plan doesn't cover the real stuff!"

'There's nothing wrong with him-just delusions of glandular.'

"He's so anti-regulation he won't even take a laxative."

'Frank, leak to the tabloids that these slow moving broccoli flakes cure cancer.'

"I thought I'd give Western medicine one more chance."

'Where exactly did you get this 'Lifestyle Guru' from?'

'Look, half the work is done! All you need to do is fill in the top part so we can legally say the bottom part.'

'The NHS is committed to patients having control over their care...So if you'd like to check your symptoms online I'll be back later for a diagnosis and careplan.'

I'm going to switch you to a new medication that does more advertising.

"Since Dr Mullin's ill, a temp from Manpower will perform your liver transplant."

"Whoa! Now I remember. This was one of the possible side effects on the label."

The council wanted us to have a Healthy Lifestyle Monitor

"Wellness clinics, stress-management checkups, hypertension screenings, lab tests, crisis after crisis. Fibre foods, fish-oil capsules, unsaturated spreads, plaque. Say what they may, McCormack, we did it our way."

"It turns out our health plan does cover eyeglasses."

"Are you sure you don't want to try just one miracle drug before you die?"

"I'll let you in on a little secret -- every pill on these shelves is a placebo, and I have no formal training."

'It's just a recliner with built-in heart rate monitor. But look at how many big inflatable balls are sold as exercise equipment.'

'Coins, when swallowed, cause cancer. Perhaps money should be banned.'

"Your insurance company decided the heart surgery isn't necessary, but they said they'd approve breast augmentation."

"In a nutshell Mr. Beesley, you have hypochondria."

'Your employer's health plan automatically cancels your coverage once you get sick.'

Myth Diagnosis

'I recommend a second opinion so the HMO won't second guess me.'

"And if Ooh, Eeh, Ooh Ah Ah doesn't work, we'll try Walla Walla Bing Bang."

'Sorry, our HMO doesn't approve treatments of 'owies'.'

"Your medical insurance doesn't cover 'Acts of God' like illness"

'Mrs. Tomkins says her prescription has no side effects, so it can't be doing her any good.'

'Can I trust a Doctor whose prescriptions have absolutely no side effects?'