Modern Healthcare Critic Gifts

'The NHS is committed to patients having control over their care...So if you'd like to check your symptoms online I'll be back later for a diagnosis and careplan.'

'The pills won't do you any good but there are dozens of side-effects - one of them might help. . .'

'Call me immediately if there's any serious side effects so I can notify my lawyer.'

"Surgery up here is free!"

Who gets the anti-corona vaccine?

"This just in: According to a recent poll, painkillers have replaced religion as the opiate of the masses."

"We don't offer a health-care plan. Instead, we have Lou persuade you not to get sick."

"I'm prescribing a patch. It will dispense meds as permitted by your insurance company."

"... and keep him off al news coverage of healthcare reforms."

'We'll see significant savings in health care costs with our new in-house operations.'

'I just evolved the opposable thumb, and I've already got carpal-tunnel syndrome!'

'So far, all I can tell you for sure is how much I've charged you.'

"I'd like to approve a second opinion but your HMO considers that experimental medicine."

BMA criticises 'Black Hole' of NHS IT spending

"Republicans, Democrats...as long as they keep getting sick, we'll be all right."

"We are here to remove a blockage in your bank account."

'I'm afraid there's been a 23% cut in the 'empathy and compassion' budget so you'll have to tell him to sod off now!'

'You may have an adverse reaction when I administer this. It's your medical bill.'

NHS Reforms: See No Evil, Hear No Evil and Speak No Evil.

The World Pharmaceutical Corporation

'I'm death for goodness sake - why do I have to adopt a more healthy lifestyle?'

'I wasn't feeling ill, doctor, until I started hearing about the NHS reforms.'

Republican Healthcare

"It looks like we're out of sample placebos."

"I couldn't afford health insurance, so I became a Christian Scientist."

Have you drugged your child today?

"Whatever doesn't kill me gives me the chance to try new prescriptions."

Surgical Self-Service

'Yes we do have health benefits, but read the fine print. You're only allowed to get sick once every three years.'

'Doctor, are you going to finance it or shall I just bill Medicare?'

'Hmmm ... no health insurance. Take him to the Intensive I Don't Care Unit.'

'The bad news is you have a disease that only a highly-paid specialist can pronounce.'

"But Doctor - will the government pay for Ferris Buelleritis?"

'Kitchen! Chicken Bone! Hurry!!' - Rent-A-Surgeon

Playing doctor: 'This time I get to play the HMO bureaucrat who decides if you live or die.'