Medical System Skeptic Gifts

'House calls?...Dr. Latrobe doesn't even make phone calls!'

'Personally I take all these programmes with a pinch of salt.'

'Is there another doctor in the house? He wants a second opinion.'

"Nice try, Jim, but there's no such thing as a 'Beer cleanse'."

"Your test results are in...now the interpretations can begin."

'Incidentally, our health insurance has limited eye coverage.'

"They say that 'laughter is the best medicine', which is great because your health plan doesn't cover the real stuff!"

'There's nothing wrong with him-just delusions of glandular.'

"He's so anti-regulation he won't even take a laxative."

'Frank, leak to the tabloids that these slow moving broccoli flakes cure cancer.'

"I thought I'd give Western medicine one more chance."

'Where exactly did you get this 'Lifestyle Guru' from?'

'Look, half the work is done! All you need to do is fill in the top part so we can legally say the bottom part.'

'I'm afraid there's been a 23% cut in the 'empathy and compassion' budget so you'll have to tell him to sod off now!'

I'm going to switch you to a new medication that does more advertising.

"Whoa! Now I remember. This was one of the possible side effects on the label."

"It turns out our health plan does cover eyeglasses."

The council wanted us to have a Healthy Lifestyle Monitor

"Are you sure you don't want to try just one miracle drug before you die?"

Playing doctor: 'This time I get to play the HMO bureaucrat who decides if you live or die.'

"I'll let you in on a little secret -- every pill on these shelves is a placebo, and I have no formal training."

"And if Ooh, Eeh, Ooh Ah Ah doesn't work, we'll try Walla Walla Bing Bang."

'Coins, when swallowed, cause cancer. Perhaps money should be banned.'

'Sorry, our HMO doesn't approve treatments of 'owies'.'

"Your insurance company decided the heart surgery isn't necessary, but they said they'd approve breast augmentation."

"In a nutshell Mr. Beesley, you have hypochondria."

'Your employer's health plan automatically cancels your coverage once you get sick.'

Myth Diagnosis

'I recommend a second opinion so the HMO won't second guess me.'

Obama-Health care reform

"Till Washington gets this healthcare issue figured out, Max here will be handling your procedure."

"Your medical insurance doesn't cover 'Acts of God' like illness"

'Mrs. Tomkins says her prescription has no side effects, so it can't be doing her any good.'

"I suggest you take these pills on an empty stomach."

'Can I trust a Doctor whose prescriptions have absolutely no side effects?'